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stick that right up my dry arse!

So, you think you know it all when it comes to sex? You've tried The Tradesman's entrance, felching, Coprophilia, Flagellation, Infantilism, Autoerotic Asphyxia and even Shit Blistering and fishing. Well now you can try these nineteen new sex tips, specially developed and fully tested by The New Site of the Weird team while we were on holiday in Portugal.

Don't forget to take part in our sex tips survey at the bottom of this page

Fuck a nun today. You know I makes sense!
The Tea bagging
The all time classic manoeuvre of tapping your cock on a chick's forehead whilst she is sucking on your balls, and uttering the timeless phrase "Who's your daddy?"

The Angry Dragon
Immediately after you blow your load in a girl's mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out of her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon.

Cum Guzzling Sperm Burping Bitch
The once in a lifetime act of blowing a hot steamy load down the back of a girl's throat and then proceeding to give her a large cold bottle of your  favourite carbonated drink, making her guzzle it down. Then, shake her head  vigorously back and forth to create the Cum Guzzling, Sperm Burping effect. A great way to impress your friends.

The Donkey Punch
Banging a girl doggy style and then moments before you cum, you stick your dick in her ass and then punch her in the back of the neck. The blow to the neck will stun the muscles in the female's ass, which will constrict the penis and give you a tremendous orgasmic experience when you ejaculate.

The Flaming Amazon
This one's for all you pyromaniacs out there. When you're screwing some chick, right when your about to cum, pull out and quickly grab the nearest lighter and set her pubes on fire, then... extinguish the flames with your jizz!

The Flying Camel
Our personal favourite. As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her on your knees, you very carefully move forward and prop yourself (without using your arms on your dick while it is still inserted in her vertical seafood taco. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long shrieking howl, much like a flying camel. Strictly a classy move.

The Zombie Mask
While getting head from your favourite, unsuspecting, trash-barrel whore,
 tell her you want her to look right up at you with those "pretty little eyes" when you blow your load. Then, just when you're ready to spew a good weeks worth of goo, blast that hefty load in both eyes. This temporary state of blindness will produce the zombie effect as she stumbles around the room with arms outstretched, and moaning like the walking dead.

The Houdini
Going at it doggy-style until you are just about to come, then pull out and spit on her back so she thinks that you have. When she turns around a blast is unleashed into her face and she is left shocked and amazed, wondering how you managed it.

Dirty Sanchez See below
A time honoured event in which while laying the bone doggy-style, you insert your finger into her arsehole. You then pull it out and wipe it across her upper lip, leaving a thin shit moustache. This makes her look like someone whose name is Dirty Sanchez.

The Pink Sock See above
First, trick your girlfriend into having anal sex. At the moment of climax, donkey-punch your woman in the back of the head and withdraw your penis quickly. The resulting inverted colon is known as a "pink sock."

Arabian Goggles
A seldom-seen manoeuvre when you put your testicles over her eye sockets while getting head. It may be anatomically impossible, but what the fuck else is new!

The Bait N' Tackle
The sailors used this one in the old Navy days. Before you go off for a long, lonely voyage, get yourself a tall jar and fill it completely with earthworms. When you get lonely, open the jar and fuck away. The earthworms will provide some slithery stimulation, and your protein load will keep them nicely fed.

blow my load you dirty BastardThe Backsplash
when two gay men are making love, and the man behind cums into the other man's bottom, the man farts the cum into the other man's face.

Frosting the Cake
When you are about to cum, blow a load all over her chest. Then take your dick and evenly spread the Jism around the breasts and over the nipples.  Then stick some candles on it and start singing "Happy Birthday." Then blow out the candles.

Spicy Stanley
When a girl takes hot sauce and pours it on your cock. She then proceeds to give you a blowjob, making sure all of the hot sauce is gone.

Shanghai Shampoo
Fuck a chick until you've built up a load large enough to paint a room. Blow it all in her hair, rub it in thoroughly. When it dries it will resemble the crunchy noodles often served with chop suey.


This is where a girl has a cock in each of her three holes, hence, airtight.

The Cleveland Steamer
When you're ready to come, blow all over her tummy and chest. Jump on board! Slide on your arse (while sitting forward) back to front on the lubed areas all the while pumping your fist in the air tooting your horn like a steam locomotive. The Cleveland Steamer!

monkey face
The act of blowing your Love Custard onto your ladies face, at which point you 'decorate' the said ladies mess with your own artfully concealed pubic hair- 'hey presto' MONKEY FACE

The Rodeo
While doing a girl doggy style have your friends wait outside the room, then when you yell GO they all run in, turn on the lights and start cheering. Now this will cause the girl to get mighty uncomfortable and she will start trying to get away from you QUICK This is where the fun comes in hang on as long as you can and try to ride it out yelling yeehaaawww. TNSOTW reader Martin says: "My personal best as about 12 seconds very fun and great at parties"


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