FEMALE SOFA
A 500lb woman from Illinois was examined in hospital. During the
examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a
dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found
lodged between the folds of her vulva.
OUCH!
A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody
restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman
had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that
they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with
passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to
the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp
down on the man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony
and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head
until she let go.
BLIND DRUNK
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain
while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would
come out half way, but they always popped back in.
A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success.
Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did not
have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out
the membrane of his cornea.
GROWING SEASON
An old woman in a North Carolina ER complained of green vines
growing from her vagina. Investigation revealed a large potato trapped in
her womb. The woman then suddenly remembered that she had inserted
it two weeks previously, because she thought that her uterus was falling
out.
PRICKLY PAIR
In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis.
He complained that his wife had "a rat in her pussy" and it bit him
during sex. After an examination of his wife, if was revealed that
she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
LAST STAND
A Cambridge man hobbled into casualty complaining of a permanent
erection. He admitted to doctors that while on holiday in Cuba, he
frequented many brothels, and in one he was given some erectile cream
to keep him hard. He was told to use it sparingly.
However, since he was having so much fun, he kept using more and
more. By the time he came to casualty, all the blood vessels in his
penis were swollen and his testicles had ballooned in size.
Doctors could do nothing except prescribe painkillers, and told him
that it would return to flaccidity in a few days. They also told him
to enjoy his erection while it lasted, because it was going to be his
last.
YUK!
A 64 year old woman with colon cancer kept returning to hospital with
an infection around her stoma (the hole where the tube from her
colostomy bag is inserted). There was also a mysterious whitish ooze
emanating from it. After eventually inquiring into her private life,
the doctors found out that she led an active sex life. "And," she told
them, "when we're feeling really energetic, my husband gets his kicks out of
removing the bag and using my stomach!"
JUICY LUCY
In Kentucky, a woman complained of a purple discharge from her
vagina. She thought it might have something to do with the diaphragm
that her doctor had recently given her.
"I followed all the instructions to the letter," she told her doctor,
"and used it with the jelly."
When asked which kind of jelly she had used, she replied "strawberry."
BRUSH AFTER MEALS
A very unhygienic patient was being treated by two nurses for a burst
vein in his stomach. While changing the dressing, one of the nurses
screamed. They saw maggots crawling down the man's chest. They had
been breeding between his teeth, and smelling the open wound, decided to
feed further down his body.
CALL THE BUM SQUAD!
A World War II veteran came into a London clinic with a haemorrhoid
problem. One painful pile would often hang down from the man's anus and
he was in the habit of pushing it back up with an artillery shell. On
this occasion, the shell got stuck. Doctors were going to remove it
but the man told them the shell was still live. So the hospital called in
the army bomb disposal squad, who built a lead box around the
man's anus to defuse the shell before it could be removed.
KLINGONS AROUND URANUS
A 20 year old man came to casualty with a stony mass in his rectum.
He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete
mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his
anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and
pain. Under general anaesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's
rectum was removed, along with a stray ping-pong ball!
TAKING THE PISS
A woman takes her first child to the Hospital for a routine check-up.
The nurse consults her records and notices the child's name is Urine
(pronounced Ureen-ie). "That's a very unusual name" she comments
politely, "Is it a family name?"
The women explains that Urine was very sick after she was born and had
to stay in intensive care for several weeks. Too distressed, the mother
had not yet chosen a name for her daughter, but the nurses promised they
would pray for her.
One day, the mother returns from the bathroom to find a note written on
her daughters incubator that read "Please Save Urine". touched by this
display of support, the mother knew that they had chosen a name for her
daughter.
DON'T PISS ON THE
ROACHES
In Istanbul, a man was recently admitted to hospital with 2 broken
legs, a fractured pelvis, and severe burns to his genitals. Apparently,
his wife tried to kill a cockroach first by stamping on it, then by
trying to flush it down the toilet, then spraying it with a bug spray
whilst it floated in the bowl. The ill-fated gentleman then rushed in to
urinate, and dropped his cigarette butt into the toilet. The fumes
ignited, causing the aforementioned burns. Paramedics were duly
summoned, who put him on a stretcher, and then when told how it had
happened, laughed so much that they dropped him down the stairs breaking
his legs and pelvis.
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Here's some facts the Guinness book of records couldn't print.
MOST SEMEN
SWALLOWED
Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of
her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.
LONGEST PUBES
Maoni Vi of Cape
Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from
her vagina.
MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH
Linda
Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a
lubricated American football into her vagina.
ZIT POPPING
In July 1987, Carl
Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit & projected a
detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1in.
WORST DRINK
The most horrible
drink to be considered a beverage & safely drunk is Khoona. It is
drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a
small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is
believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.
MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL
This
is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato
juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash
of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a tampon (unused) instead of
a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'Cunt Pump.'
GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A
JET OF SEMEN
Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a
'substantial' amount of seminal fluid. He also hold the records for
the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation,
or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.
LONGEST TURD
The longest dump
ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a 'staggering
turd' over a period of 2hr 12mins which was officially measured at 12
ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.
MOST PROLONGED FART
Bernard
Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially
recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.
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