EXIT TOURS - The ultimate adventure holidays
Excitement and adventure or your Passport back.
TEN DAY TOURS FROM ONLY
The Stresses of life getting too much to handle? Feel you can't go on any longer? Want to top yourself?
why not end it all in style with an Exit Tours excursion. Our torturous ten day itinerary means you are guaranteed not to make it home alive, and in the unlikely event you do we'll give you a full refund *. Why not book yourself a holiday not to remember for the bargain price of only £699.
The Ten Day Itinerary for the Outwardly bound
DAY 1: Pick up by Greek owned thirteen year old Skoda mini cab driven by an Italian. Trip round foggy London Town’s M25 in the morning rush hour. Bottom deck berth on the Spirit of Free Parking, flagship of the Liberian Cross Channel Ferry Service.Channel crossing under the alcohol fuelled command of Admiral Dimitri Onassis.
DAY 2: High speed dash by minibus with bald tyres on the French motorway system on the First day of the French national holidays. Breakfast at L'Auberge de Grand Vin. Lunch at Restaurant de Cognac et Schnapps Dinner at the Tango Mango Brandy Bar. Night drive through the French Alps with eighty four year old Jacques Boozier at the wheel of his 1978 Austin Allegro vanden plas.
DAY 3: Breakfast in Austrian Ski resort of Klonkers. Display of skeet shooting beneath ‘Old Crackly’, the largest glacial overhang in Austria.
High speed helicopter mountain hop to southern Italy’s bandit country.
DAY 4: Dip in the waters of the bay of Naples, last breeding ground of some of the most endangered species of streptococci in the World. Issue of stomach pumps and new American passports
El Al flight For breakfast in Beirut.
Tour of the mosques of mainly Christian West Beirut with a guide from the CIA University of Baghdad.
DAY 5: Assemble Kuwait Oil Terminal Three. Board un-flagged, unescorted super tanker for cruise through the Gulf of Arabia.
DAY 6: Cruise Gulf.
View Islamic Fundamentalist gun boats.
Mine spotting (Subject to aerial bombing)
DAY 7: Bed and board in an Aids infested bisexual brothel, Mombassa. Flight by reconditioned DC1O to join Sri Lanka’s Independence Day celebrations.
‘Packed lunches’ provided to carry through Malaysian customs.
Riverboat cruise to view the Bangladeshi monsoon season.
Shark fishing from a Philippine ferry during Typhoon Mori.
DAY 8: Carnival at the Labour Day Anti American demonstration in Santiago. Lunch at the hospital of your choice in Panama City. Board one engined converted fighter for your low level flight across Nicaraguan airspace and on to the USA border. your only companions are the coughing of the engine, the remoteness of the Mexican jungle and the seventy two pound bag of hand milled cocaine nestling between your legs.
DAY 9: Tour of Pittsburgh Industrial areas by open car. Walk: historic Harlem by night.
DAY 1O: Unscheduled touch down in the middle of a traditional IRA funeral in the historic Falls Road area of old Belfast. (Small arms provided.)
Return home in a souvenir body bag.
EXIT TOURS We make the going easy
* No refunds [Back to the new Site of the Weird]
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