Drive-by felching shocksl residents of Frinton-on-sea

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Drive-by felching shocks residents of small town
By Arthur Teacake.

The quiet Seaside town of Frinton-on-Sea in Essex, England, was rocked to its foundations yesterday by the hideous sight of a ‘drive-by Felching'

Many of the town’s elderly residents were being treated for shock at a nearby hospital last night, as Police try to piece together exactly what happened in the town yesterday afternoon.

A main witness at the scene of the incident was Lady Chlamydia Tenalady, an 86 year old resident of the town “I was casually strolling down Connaught avenue yesterday afternoon when a couple in a car suddenly stopped in front of me. A man shot out of the car and jumped on top of an elderly lady, sadly the rest is just a blur as I was still in shock from witnessing a bare chested man moments earlier. I found the whole ordeal perfectly ghastly”

The elderly woman who suffered the sickening attack, who has been named as Lana Nibbats (89) was treated at the scene for a severely engorged anus and taken to a nearby hospital, where she is being treated for shock and severe blood loss.

Lady Chlamydia Tenalady: shocked

Another witness, 56 year old Dick Mirkin from London who was holidaying in the quaint town spoke yesterday of his shock and horror of what he and his family witnessed. “The wife and me six kids was walking around trying to find a pub when all of a sudden like, a bloke jumped out of a moving car that a woman was driving and pounced on top of this poor old dear, he did the dirty deed and ran off. I will never forget the screams of pain from the woman or the mess all over the pavement; she was just lying there with a drinking straw sticking out of her arse with cock snot dribbling out the top. The whole bloody thing was disgusting, a lot of the old farts who were around at the time was fainting and throwing up. My wife and kids will probably need counselling after this.”

This is not the first time controversy has hit the town, famous for it’s wealthy elderly residents and one pub. As local resident, Major Henry Snuffington-Smith (retd) commented: “About ten years ago a local businessman had the audacity to open a fish & chip shop in the town to the shock and dismay of many residents of the town who were afraid that such a facility would attract riff-raff, gypsies and young miscreants on motorcycles. I'm appalled that an atrocity such as this has happened in this delightful town. This Country is going to the dogs I tell you"

The usually gentile town of Frinton-on Sea
The usually gentile town of Frinton-on Sea

The local Police force has admitted that they are completely baffled by the whole incident, Inspector Terry Knob from Essex Police said yesterday that he had never before heard of such a crime, and admitted that the perpetrators of the offence had escaped the clutches of the law. “I haven't a clue what felching is, but I just hope such an atrocity of this type never happens again,” he said.

He later tried to calm residents fears of a further attack with a brief statement." I can assure all residents of Frinton that these felching attacks are extremely rare. I have been reliably informed that the average person has more chance of being fucked by a donkey than ever have anything like this happen to them"

NEWS UPDATE By Arthur Teacake
It seems that Felching crimes are now a major problem in this country, as this harrowing story from a TNSOTW reader shows.

I have been affected by the events you described in your article "Drive-by felching shocks residents of small town", I don't wish you to know my real identity, so as far as you are concerned my name is Grace. actually that's a bit too obvious, no just call me G *******. At a party in a familiar friendly atmosphere, a close friend of mine started handing out straws, I didn't know what it was all about so took mine willingly as everyone else was taking them. little did I know of the horrors that were to unfold later that night. It took a trip to the doctor's and three hours of minor surgery to remove the straw from my cheeks that were clenched in shock. Felching is far more widespread than the latest government figures show, it needs to be brought into the general public eye, not only to prevent misunderstandings such as mine, but to remove the social stigma attached.

Have you been affected by the events in these news stories?
Perhaps you have been the victim of a drive-by felching attack yourself or you may have been involved in a hideous scat crime. If so then contact our news desk here and tell us your story in the strictest confidence.

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Soup, soup and more soup
By Arthur Teacake.

Mention the word soup to 68 year old Barry Cuntington and he almost has an orgasm. For Barry soup is everything, he eats nothing but soup, and has done so since he was the victim of a hideous scat crime over 15 years ago.

" I don't' know what it is about the stuff, but I just cant live without soup, I absolutely love it!" Barry estimates that he and his family consume about 400 litres of soup every Month!.

Barry Cuntington tucks into yet another bowl of soup.

Barry has even turned his house into a soup museum; he collects everything to do with the stuff and has even named his twin sons after his favourite brand of soup. “Crosse and Blackwell were brought up to eat nothing but soup, they don’t know anything different they fucking love the stuff” says an enthusiastic Barry.

So, does soup even feature in Barry's love life?. "Well, I'd be a liar if I said it didn't" explains Barry "I bought one of them Felch Pumps to liven things up a bit in the bedroom department, the Wife fills it with soup and then sticks it up my arse. Words cannot explain the feelings of ecstasy I feel from warm tomato soup gushing up the walls of my rectum, although I suppose I should really be using Cock-A-Leeky!" he laughs.

Barry's twin sons Crosse and Blackwell

Barry loves any flavour of soup and is particularly fond of asparagus, “Sadly the Wife has banned me from eating it as she says it makes me spunk taste funny”

Unfortunately for Barry his obsession with soup sometimes gets him in to trouble. He has recently had a court restraining order placed upon him for stalking the soup heiress Audrey Baxster. “Its all a huge misunderstanding” explains Barry “I only camped out in her garden for Six Months and asked her to marry me every day, the authorities have made a mountain out of a molehill”

So, will Barry and his family be sitting down to a traditional Lunch this Christmas? “No fucking way! although we may push the boat out and have croutons. We will be sitting down to a 3 coarse meal of soup, prawn and lettuce followed by turkey and potato finished off with the Wife's homemade Christmas pudding soup”

British man wins pervert of the year award
By Arthur Teacake.

A British Man has won the prestigious Pervert of the Year Award for the first time ever.

71 year old Harry Crumpet from south Wales was told of his unique achievement last night." I'm absolutely flabbergasted, I’ve always known that I’m a complete perv but I never thought in a million years that I’d win this. I'm especially honoured to grab the title this year as I know a couple of prominent Catholic Priests were also gunning for the award”

Mr. Crumpet, who has just returned from Russia with his new 12 year old bride Lenska has been a pervert for as long as he can remember “My first memory is dressing up in my Grandmother’s underwear at the age of five, wanking myself into a frenzy and ejaculating onto her false teeth. luckily she wasn't wearing them at the time” laughs Harry.

Harry Crumpet celebrates his Pervert of the year title with his new Wife

The Judges for this year’s event were so impressed with the level or perversion shown by Harry that they felt they had no option but to crown Harry king of the pervs. Chief judge Rick Minge from the British Felching Association described Harry’s antics as absolutely incredible. "For a man of his age I just don’t know how he manages it, one minute he’s jetting off to Moscow to marry some 12 year old prostitute the next he’s off on one of those specially tailored perversion cruises, sunk to his nuts in Filipino rent boys whilst ripped to his tits on poppers. I’d find it difficult to keep up with all the activities on offer on that boat at my age let alone Harry’s age of 71, but He just laps it all up, them comes back for more - amazing!”

Harry celebrates his win by dressing as a baby

Rick Minge explains some of the key moments in Harry’s busy twelve month schedule that helped him win this years event.

• Marrying a twelve year old Russian prostitute.

• Anal sex with a Labrador dog.

• Various acts of Necrophilia.

• Winning a 24hr. sponsored Rimming event.

• Shopping at his local supermarket wearing nothing but Woman’s underwear and thigh high PVC boots.

• Drinking a yard of horse semen.

• Starring in three! porn films - 'Scats all Folks' ,'Willy Wanker and the Nut Butter Factory' and 'The Bellend

Bandits'

Harry Crumpet pictured on the cover of the 'Bellend Bandits' DVD

Harry also made a memorable appearance in this video

Harry Crumpet - proud winner of Pervert of the year 2008

Harry’s prizes for winning this years title include a 10 day cruise provided by The Betty Hubbard Cruise Company onboard the 'Pearl Necklace' The World’s only Cruise tailored entirely for perverts. He also wins an inflatable Choir Boy a Chimp in knickers and a year’s supply of Vaseline.

Be careful where you stick it!
By Arthur Teacake.

In what paramedics called as a ‘freak accident’, tourist and Wild West enthusiast Cuthbert flange lost his penis in a bear trap at the Dripping Beaver Park souvenir shop, Newport, South Wales.

Newly Wed Flange, a 32 year old pig cleaner from Pontypridd, South Wales UK, and his new Wife were visiting the popular Wild West themed park souvenir gift Shop on Thursday afternoon as part of their Honeymoon celebrations when the mishap occurred.

Betty, wife of Cuthbert flange, told reporters that Cuthbert was using the toilet at the time of the accident. The entire shop, including the toilet, is littered with authentic items of the Old West- Rifles, washtubs, animal skins and even bear traps are hanging on every wall.

Shop owner, Jez Gokkun, explained, “I hung that old bear trap next to the urinal in the men’s toilet. It was kind of a joke. Fuck me!, that thing is at least a hundred years old and the hinges are rusted solid.” Gokkun said that he was convinced that the trap wouldn’t close. “I sprayed it with WD-40 and stomped on the release, and it still wouldn’t close!” said Gokkun.

Cuthbert Flange with Wife Betty pictured on their Wedding day

Paramedics were unclear as to how Flange's penis actually got close enough to the bear trap or what triggered it. “The trap was attached to the wall approximately 18 inches from the urinal, so it seems unlikely that anyone could accidentally injure themselves while urinating,” stated Granville Jizzfest of Pontypridd emergency services. “We arrived within minutes of the accident. As with any dismemberment, we attempted to recover the severed member so that it can hopefully be reattached. Unfortunately, it appears that Mr. Flange's penis fell through a hole in the floorboards.”

One of the paramedics spent almost an hour crawling around under the old building with a torch, but could not locate Mr. Flange's member. Police and paramedics speculate that the severed penis was eaten or carried off by an animal.

Mr. Flange was taken by ambulance to Pontypridd general hospital where he spent over 2 hours in surgery. Although he is expected to recover, doctors could do little in the way of reconstruction. Doctors suggested that Flange and his wife seek a qualified counsellor to help them through this traumatic period upon returning to Pontypridd.

“It’s too early to tell,” was the response given by Betty Flange when asked if she intended to sue.

Jez Gokkun, bearing flowers, visited the Flange's at the hospital and offered his sympathies. “It’s a tragedy,” Gokkun told reporters. “But what I can’t figure out is how he got his thing way over there in the trap. And what’s more, I can’t figure out how he got the fucking thing to snap shut. I just know they’re going to sue me and take everything I’ve got. People have always got to be poking things where they don’t belong.”

Jez Gokkun offered the bear trap to the Flange's to keep as a souvenir. They declined.

British farmer in cow cloning row
By Arthur Teacake.

A West Country farmer is at the centre of a cloning and animal cruelty row involving his experimentation with cow foetuses.

Jethro Clump from Somerset, UK has been conducting his own genetic experiments with cows for the last ten years. He has recently managed to breed a cow that produces a mixture of milk and faeces at the same time, he calls this substance 'shilk'. "It's taken me ten long hard years to get this right but I've finally managed to pull it off" explains Jethro. "Mind you, the locals aint too fond of my experiments but I don't see what all the fuss is about and I don't take the death threats too seriously. Them cows don't seem to worry too much it only hurts them a bit, they're only dumb animals aint they? I really couldn't give a toss, I'm doing it for the money and I don't care who knows that!"

The Shilk and the money seem to flowing nicely for Mr. Clump at the moment as the Japanese are his main customer "Them funny little buggers really love the stuff I been told that Shilk is a real delicacy over there in Japan. Who would think that a mixture of cow shit and milk would go down so well? I aint complaining though as they is buying gallons of the stuff. I cant clone enough of the buggers at the moment.

Jethro Clump: controversial farmer and inventor of the Shilk drink

Its not all plain sailing for Mr. Clump though, In 2005 he was fined £1000 for Animal cruelty. "I was feeding my chickens with pig shit and my pigs with chicken shit. I don't see the problem myself those buggers will eat anything and it's environmentally friendly. I know the locals don't like me too much, but I don't give a fuck. It's not like I'm having sex with my animals like most of the farmers around here do" Mr. Clump's other past convictions include other various acts of animal cruelty including sex with an Alsatian dog in a pub car park.

Mr. Clump has asked us not to divulge the exacted location of his farm for fear of of his life. We tried to interview other farmers in Mr. Clump's village but they declined to comment. Mr. Clump had the last word - "They was probably too busy sheep shaggin"

Man admits to having sex with cars
By Arthur Teacake.

A British man has admitted to having sex with cars.

Tarquin Quimm (38) from Great Yarmouth, Norfolk admitted yesterday to an uncontrollable obsession for having sex with cars, particularly Range Rovers. "I don't know what it is about cars" explained Mr. Quimm "but they just do it for me. I think it's the way my dick slides up the exhaust pipe. For me there's nothing I like more than driving out to a remote spot in the countryside, dressing up in my favourite women's underwear, greasing my dick with axle grease and giving my car a good seeing to"

Tarquin Quimm demonstrates his car lovemaking technique with his favourite Range Rover

"Most of the people round here don't really understand my little fetish, but as long as I'm not hurting anyone I don't see what all the fuss is about" Mr. Quimm's Wife was one person that definitely didn't see the funny side of his quirky behaviour. He told us that his 68 year old wife left him last year when she caught him in an uncompromising position with a saloon car in a neighbours garage "I really couldn't care less that my wife has left me" explains Tarquin. She was a frigid old bitch with a face like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle. I only agreed to marry her because she wore sexy underwear"

Quimm's estranged Wife Ethel

When I decided to delve deeper into Mr. Quimm's past it quickly became apparent why most of the locals don't share his views on the innocence of his 'little fetish'

A local man who requested to remain anonymous told me that Mr. Quimm is notorious in the town for his depraved antics "About a year ago the perverted twat was caught fucking a Ford Focus in the middle of the town centre. I admit, most of the locals are well used to his ways but a coach full of nuns was driving past at the time, god only knows what they must have thought. I know a lot of them had to be treated in hospital for shock"

Tarquin later told me that things don't always go to plan for him "about a year ago I decided to try this dogging lark that everybody is taking about at the moment. I slipped into a car park that is near to my house under the cover of night, found a suitable vehicle, inserted my old todger and started pumping away. To my horror the car engine started and I found myself stuck up the exhaust pipe as the dam thing was getting hotter and hotter. Luckily the driver of the car must have realised there was some sort of obstruction at the back of the vehicle and drove off. I had a hell of a time explaining that one in casualty I can tell you!"

Unfortunately for Mr. Quimm it looks as though his unusual ways maybe coming to an end, at least for the time being anyway, He has today been sectioned under the Mental health act.

Perverted man inadvertently enters record books
By Arthur Teacake.

An infamous eccentric has just entered the record books for the person with the most objects surgically removed from their anus. 241 different objects have been removed from the anal canal of a Bristol man in the last three years - A new World record!

Fred Ebullana: Anal record holder.

42 year old toilet cleaner Fred Ebullana was told of his achievement last night, "I just cannot fucking believe it!. It's not that I was trying to get into the record books or anything I'm just so accident prone. I'm always falling over and impaling myself on various objects around the house. I'm so proud to have achieved this, just wait until I call my Mum, she will be so proud of me"

"I think the gerbil was the worst thing,
those little buggers sure have sharp teeth"

Rodger Cnut from The Murphy's Book of Weird World Records™ described Fred's record as remarkable. "Either this guy is as accident prone as he says he is or he's seriously perverted, I think I know what he is and deep down I think he does too, he just does not not seem to admit to himself that he has a problem. His achievement is quite amazing, and one that we are proud to include in our new 2008 volume. How anybody could achieve something like this I'll never know,"

A person who certainly doesn't count Fred's record as remarkable is Bristol hospital consultant Dr. Raj Persaude. "I'm totally fed up with this guy being admitted to this hospital with various objects rammed into his anal cavity. I didn't spend five years of my life training to be a doctor so I could waste my time treating twats like this. This annoying little twunt seems to occupy most of my time in the hospital, he may think he's some sort of celebrity but it's us medical staff who have to treat him when we could be giving help to deserving patients. I've also had to have him forcibly removed from the hospital on numerous occasions for molesting the nurses and exposing himself to other patients"

Dr. Raj Persaude examines yet another xray of what appears to be a coke bottle lodged in
Mr. Ebullana's anal canal

View a video of Mr. Ebullana having a dildo removed from his anus

Mr. Ebullana explained how he has become a minor celebrity in Bristol "The neighbours have got quite used to seeing me carried out of my bedsit on a stretcher to a waiting ambulance with an object sticking out of my arse. I think the gerbil was the worst thing though, those little buggers sure have sharp teeth"

Here's a small selection of the 241 things Mr.Ebullana has had removed from his anal canal:

Rubik's Cube
Barbie Doll
Coke bottle
7 inch Vibrator
Gerbil (alive)
vacuum cleaner hose
Cricket ball
Mobile phone
Electric shaver
Tin of baked beans
baseball bat
My Little Pony toy
Pineapple

A selection of water based lubricants found in Mr. Ebullana's flat

The Murphy's Book of Weird World Records (Bellend Publishing) is available soon in all good bookshops

Man amputates both his legs over foot phobia
By Arthur Teacake.

In what doctors have described as an astonishing story of stupidity a 32 year old man from Birmingham, UK decided to amputate both his legs below the knee because of a phobia of his own feet.

Cyril Dilligaf a 32 year old professional badger hunter has for many years suffered from podophobia an irrational fear of feet.
"I don't know what it is about feet but I just cannot stand them irritating little buggers, they just really scare the hell out of me with those horrible little wriggling toes and that. I mean, what are they good for apart from walking on?. I decided I could take no more of them so I sliced them of with a power saw I bought in the closing down sale at Woolworths. It hurt like fuck I can tell you but I think it was worth it. I just hope the bastards never grow back"

Cyril Dilligaf amputated both legs over a fear of his own feet

Mr. Dilligaf even wrote to our very own Doctor Skcollob for medical advice before attempting his surgical procedure." He weren't very helpful about it" describes Dilligaf "He basically told me I was a complete twat for trying it myself but still wanted to charge me an arm and a leg to carry out the chopping himself - what a c**t!"

The power saw Cyril Dilligaf used to amputate both his lags. Now for sale on eBay.

Cyril 'stumpy' Dilligaf poses for our camera in his specially adapted pushchair

Cyril is well known to the medical world for his strange behaviour and his latest body modification attempt comes as no surprise to his doctor and family. His mother, 46 year old Dylis Dilligaf told us "I'm still in shock at what my twat of a son has done to his body, but I suppose I should have expected it especially after the last stupid thing he did. Last year he decided to cut both his nipples off with a bread knife in case people saw him with his top off and thought he was a woman. I wouldn't have minded too much but the mess he made was terrible like, it ruined my new carpet. Christ only knows what he's going to cut off next! I've had enough of him I can tell you. It's bad enough having a son like him but when I'm out with him I have to put up with people shouting at him and calling him stumpy and stuff. It aint right is it, a 46 year old woman pushing along a 32 year old man in a pushchair. I blame his Dad Dylan for the way he is, he fucked off the day he was born and I haven't seen him since"

Cyril's mother Dylis Dilligaf poses for our camera

It seems as this is not the end of the story though. Cyril was reluctant to tell me more of his leg amputation story, but after bribing him with a couple of bottles of his favourite gin he opened up to me. "When I chopped my legs off I nearly threw them out with the rubbish but then I came up with a plan to sell them on eBay. I'd left them in the garden shed as mum was complaining about the smell of them in my bedroom. I went out one day to get them ready to sell but noticed that one had disappeared, I reckon the neighbours dog must have run off with it or summit. Anyway, nobody wanted to buy the leg so me and my mates are going to barbecue it and put a video of us getting pissed up and eating it on youtube"

An artists impression of Mr. Dilligaf's impending BBQ

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