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The weirdest stories from around the UK
Brought to you by our reporter - Arthur Teacake
From The New Site of the Weird                    

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Welcome to The New Site of the Weird news page. My name is Arthur Teacake and I've been reporting on the weirdest goings-on from across the UK for over 15 years. The sheer foolishness and stupidity of the general public never ceases to amaze me. Just when I think I've heard it all, some other weirdo astonishes me with their incredibly bizarre story.

Read the stories below to see for yourself the incredible tales I've reported on over the years. If you have a weird and wonderful story you would like me to report on, please contact me
here


Drive-by felching shocks residents of small town
By Arthur Teacake


The quiet Seaside town of Frinton-on-Sea in Essex, England, was rocked to its foundations yesterday by the hideous sight of a ‘drive-by Felching'

Many of the town’s elderly residents were being treated for shock at a nearby hospital last night, as Police try to piece together exactly what happened in the town yesterday afternoon.

A main witness at the scene of the incident was Lady Chlamydia Tenalady, an 86 year old resident of the town “I was casually strolling down Connaught avenue yesterday afternoon when a couple in a car suddenly stopped in front of me. A man shot out of the car and jumped on top of an elderly lady, sadly the rest is just a blur as I was still in shock from witnessing a bare-chested man moments earlier. I found the whole ordeal perfectly ghastly”

The elderly woman who suffered the sickening attack, who has been named as Lana Nibbats (89) was treated at the scene for a severely engorged anus and taken to a nearby hospital, where she is being treated for shock and severe blood loss.

Lady Chlamydia Tenalady
Lady Chlamydia Tenalady: shocked

Another witness, 56 year old Dick Mirkin from London who was holidaying in the quaint town spoke yesterday of his shock and horror of what he and his family witnessed. “The wife and me six kids was walking around trying to find a pub when all of a sudden like, a bloke jumped out of a moving car that a woman was driving and pounced on top of this poor old dear, he did the dirty deed and ran off. I will never forget the screams of pain from the woman or the mess all over the pavement; she was just lying there with a drinking straw sticking out of her arse with cock snot dribbling out the top. The whole bloody thing was disgusting, a lot of the old farts who were around at the time was fainting and throwing up. My wife and kids will probably need counselling after this.”

This is not the first time controversy has hit the town, famous for it’s wealthy elderly residents and one pub. As local resident, Major Henry Snuffington-Smith (retd) commented: “About ten years ago a local businessman had the audacity to open a fish & chip shop here to the shock and dismay of many residents of the town who were afraid that such a facility would attract riff-raff, gypsies and young miscreants on motorcycles. I'm appalled that an atrocity such as this has happened in this delightful town. This Country is going to the dogs I tell you"

The usually gentile town of Frinton-on Sea
The usually gentile town of Frinton-on Sea

The local Police force has admitted that they are completely baffled by the whole incident, Inspector Terry Knob from Essex Police said yesterday that he had never before heard of such a crime, and admitted that the perpetrators of the offence had escaped the clutches of the law. “I haven't a clue what felching is, but I just hope such an atrocity of this type never happens again,” he said.

He later tried to calm residents fears of a further attack with a brief statement." I can assure all residents of Frinton that these felching attacks are extremely rare. I have been reliably informed that the average person has more chance of being fucked by a donkey than ever have anything like this happen to them"


NEWS UPDATE By Arthur Teacake

It seems that Felching crimes are now a major problem in this country, as this harrowing story from a TNSOTW reader shows.

I have been affected by the events you described in your article "Drive-by felching shocks residents of small town", I don't wish you to know my real identity, so as far as you are concerned my name is Grace. actually that's a bit too obvious, no just call me G *******. At a party in a familiar friendly atmosphere, a close friend of mine started handing out straws, I didn't know what it was all about so took mine willingly as everyone else was taking them. little did I know of the horrors that were to unfold later that night. It took a trip to the doctor's and three hours of minor surgery to remove the straw from my cheeks that were clenched in shock. Felching is far more widespread than the latest government figures show, it needs to be brought into the general public eye, not only to prevent misunderstandings such as mine, but to remove the social stigma attached.


Have you been affected by the events in these news stories?
Perhaps you have been the victim of a drive-by felching attack yourself or you may have been involved in a hideous scat crime. If so then contact our news desk here and tell us your story in the strictest confidence.
 


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Soup, soup and more soup
By Arthur Teacake


Mention the word soup to 68 year old Barry Cuntington and he almost has an orgasm. For Barry soup is everything, he eats nothing but soup, and has done so since he was the victim of a hideous scat crime over 15 years ago.

"I don't' know what it is about the stuff, but I just cant live without soup, I absolutely love it!" Barry estimates that he and his family consume about 400 litres of soup every Month!.

 Barry Cuntington tucks into yet another bowl of soup.
Barry Cuntington tucks into yet another bowl of soup.

Barry has even turned his house into a soup museum; he collects everything to do with the stuff and has even named his twin sons after his favourite brand of soup. “Crosse and Blackwell were brought up to eat nothing but soup, they don’t know anything different they fucking love the stuff” says an enthusiastic Barry. 

So, does soup even feature in Barry's love life?. "Well, I'd be a liar if I said it didn't" explains Barry "I bought one of them Felch Pumps to liven things up a bit in the bedroom department, the Wife fills it with soup and then sticks it up my arse. Words cannot explain the feelings of ecstasy I feel from warm tomato soup gushing up the walls of my rectum, although  I suppose I should really be using Cock-A-Leeky!"  he laughs.

Barry's twin sons Crosse and Blackwell  Barry's twin sons Crosse and Blackwell
Barry's twin sons Crosse and Blackwell

Barry loves any flavour of soup and is particularly fond of asparagus, “Sadly the Wife has banned me from eating it as she says it makes me spunk taste funny” 

Unfortunately for Barry his obsession with soup sometimes gets him in to trouble. He has recently had a court restraining order placed upon him for stalking the soup heiress Audrey Baxster. “Its all a huge misunderstanding” explains Barry “I only camped out in her garden for Six Months and asked her to marry me every day, the authorities have made a mountain out of a molehill”

So, will Barry and his family be sitting down to a traditional Lunch this Christmas? “No fucking way! although we may push the boat out and have croutons. We will be sitting down to a 3 coarse meal of soup, prawn and lettuce followed by turkey and potato finished off with the Wife's homemade Christmas pudding soup”

British man wins pervert of the year award
By Arthur Teacake


A British Man has won the prestigious Pervert of the Year Award for the first time ever.

71 year old Harry Crumpet from south Wales was told of his unique achievement last night." I'm absolutely flabbergasted, I’ve always known that I’m a complete perv but I never thought in a million years that I’d win this. I'm especially honoured to grab the title this year as I know a couple of prominent Catholic Priests were also gunning for the award”

Mr. Crumpet, who has just returned from Russia with his new 12 year old bride Lenska has been a pervert for as long as he can remember “My first memory is dressing up in my Grandmother’s underwear at the age of five, wanking myself into a frenzy and ejaculating onto her false teeth. luckily she wasn't wearing them at the time” laughs Harry.

Harry Crumpet celebrates his Pervert of the year title with his new Wife
Harry Crumpet celebrates his Pervert of the year title with his new Wife

The Judges for this year’s event were so impressed with the level or perversion shown by Harry that they felt they had no option but to crown Harry king of the pervs. Chief judge Rick Minge from the British Felching Association described Harry’s antics as absolutely incredible. "For a man of his age I just don’t know how he manages it, one minute he’s jetting off to Moscow to marry some 12 year old prostitute the next he’s off on one of those specially tailored perversion cruises, sunk to his nuts in Filipino rent boys whilst ripped to his tits on poppers. I’d find it difficult to keep up with all the activities on offer on that boat at my age let alone Harry’s age of 71, but He just laps it all up, them comes back for more - amazing!”

What really impressed the judges was his memorable appearance in the film ‘Willy Wanker and the Nut Butter Factory’. They were enthralled with his character portrayal and the sheer number of perverted acts performed in the movie, especially the scenes where he bums two umpa lumpas. and performs a vile sex act with Willy Wanker in a vat filled with horse semen.


Harry celebrates his win by dressing as a baby


Rick Minge explains some of the key moments in Harry’s busy twelve month schedule that helped him win this years event.

•  Marrying a twelve year old Russian prostitute.

•  Anal sex with a Labrador dog.

•  Various acts of Necrophilia.

•  Winning a 24hr. sponsored Rimming event.

•  Shopping at his local supermarket wearing nothing but Woman’s underwear and thigh high PVC boots.

•  Drinking a yard of horse semen.

 • Starring in three! porn films - 'Scats all Folks' ,'Willy Wanker and the Nut Butter Factory' and 'The Bellend

    Bandits'

Harry Crumpet pictured on the cover of the 'Bellend Bandits' DVD

Harry Crumpet pictured on the cover of the 'Bellend Bandits' DVD

Willy Wanker and the Nut Butter Factory
Willy Wanker and the Nut Butter Factory’ DVD cover

Harry also made a memorable appearance in this video
Harry also made a memorable appearance in this video

Harry Crumpet - proud winner of Pervert of the year 2008
Harry Crumpet - proud winner of Pervert of the year


Harry’s prizes for winning this years title include a 10 day cruise provided by The Betty Hubbard Cruise Company onboard the 'Pearl Necklace' The World’s only Cruise tailored entirely for perverts. He also wins an inflatable Choir Boy a Chimp in knickers and a year’s supply of Vaseline.

Be careful where you stick it!
By Arthur Teacake


In what paramedics called as a ‘freak accident’, tourist and Wild West enthusiast Cuthbert flange lost his penis in a bear trap at the Dripping Beaver Park souvenir shop, Newport, South Wales.


Newly Wed Flange, a 32 year old pig cleaner from Pontypridd, South Wales UK, and his new Wife were visiting the popular Wild West themed park souvenir gift Shop on Thursday afternoon as part of their Honeymoon celebrations when the mishap occurred.

Betty, wife of Cuthbert flange, told reporters that Cuthbert was using the toilet at the time of the accident. The entire shop, including the toilet, is littered with authentic items of the Old West- Rifles, washtubs, animal skins and even bear traps are hanging on every wall.

Shop owner, Jez Gokkun, explained, “I hung that old bear trap next to the urinal in the men’s toilet. It was kind of a joke. Fuck me!, that thing is at least a hundred years old and the hinges are rusted solid.”  Gokkun said that he was convinced that the trap wouldn’t close. “I sprayed it with WD-40 and stomped on the release, and it still wouldn’t close!” said Gokkun.


Cuthbert Flange with Wife Betty pictured on their Wedding day

Cuthbert Flange with Wife Betty pictured on their Wedding day


Paramedics were unclear as to how Flange's penis actually got close enough to the bear trap or what triggered it. “The trap was attached to the wall approximately 18 inches from the urinal, so it seems unlikely that anyone could accidentally injure themselves while urinating,” stated Granville Jizzfest of Pontypridd emergency services. “We arrived within minutes of the accident. As with any dismemberment, we attempted to recover the severed member so that it can hopefully be reattached. Unfortunately, it appears that Mr. Flange's penis fell through a hole in the floorboards.”

One of the paramedics spent almost an hour crawling around under the old building with a torch, but could not locate Mr. Flange's member. Police and paramedics speculate that the severed penis was eaten or carried off by an animal.

Mr. Flange was taken by ambulance to Pontypridd general hospital where he spent over 2 hours in surgery. Although he is expected to recover, doctors could do little in the way of reconstruction. Doctors suggested that Flange and his wife seek a qualified counsellor to help them through this traumatic period upon returning to Pontypridd.

“It’s too early to tell,” was the response given by Betty Flange when asked if she intended to sue.

Jez Gokkun, bearing flowers, visited the Flange's at the hospital and offered his sympathies. “It’s a tragedy,” Gokkun told reporters. “But what I can’t figure out is how he got his thing way over there in the trap. And what’s more, I can’t figure out how he got the fucking thing to snap shut. I just know they’re going to sue me and take everything I’ve got. People have always got to be poking things where they don’t belong.”

Jez Gokkun offered the bear trap to the Flange's to keep as a souvenir. They declined.

British farmer in cow cloning row
By Arthur Teacake


A West Country farmer is at the centre of a cloning and animal cruelty row involving his experimentation with cow foetuses.

Dairy farmer, Jethro Clump from Somerset, UK has been conducting his own genetic experiments with cows for the last ten years. He has recently managed to breed a cow that produces a mixture of milk and faeces at the same time, he calls this substance 'shilk'. "It's taken me ten long hard years to get this right but I've finally managed to pull it off" explains Jethro. "Mind you, the locals aint too fond of my experiments but I don't see what all the fuss is about and I don't take the death threats too seriously. Them cows don't seem to worry too much it only hurts them a bit, they're only dumb animals aint they? I really couldn't give a toss, I'm doing it for the money and I don't care who knows that!"

The Shilk and the money seem to flowing nicely for Mr. Clump at the moment as the Japanese are his main customer "Them funny little buggers really love the stuff I been told that Shilk is a real delicacy over there in Japan. Who would think that a mixture of cow shit and milk would go down so well? I aint complaining though as they is buying gallons of the stuff. I can't clone enough of the buggers at the moment.

pig fucking perv - Jethro ClumpJethro Clump: controversial farmer and inventor of the Shilk drink
Jethro Clump: controversial farmer and inventor of the Shilk drink

Its not all plain sailing for Mr. Clump though, In 2005 he was fined Ł1000 for Animal cruelty. "I was feeding my chickens with pig shit and my pigs with chicken shit. I don't see the problem myself those buggers will eat anything and it's environmentally friendly. I know the locals don't like me too much, but I don't give a fuck. It's not like I'm having sex with my animals like most of the farmers around here do" Mr. Clump's other past convictions include other various acts of animal cruelty including sex with an Alsatian dog in a pub car park.

Mr. Clump has asked us not to divulge the exacted location of his farm for fear of of his life. We tried to interview other farmers in Mr. Clump's village but they declined to comment. Mr. Clump had the last word -  "They was probably too busy sheep shaggin"

Man admits to having sex with cars
By Arthur Teacake


A British man has admitted to having sex with cars.

Tarquin Quimm (38) from Great Yarmouth, Norfolk admitted yesterday to an uncontrollable obsession for having sex with cars, particularly Range Rovers. "I don't know what it is about cars" explained Mr. Quimm "but they just do it for me. I think it's the way my dick slides up the exhaust pipe. For me there's nothing I like more than driving out to a remote spot in the countryside, dressing up in my favourite women's underwear, greasing my dick with axle grease and giving my car a good seeing to"

man has sex with car.Yes he's really fucking it!
Tarquin Quimm demonstrates his car lovemaking technique with his favourite Range Rover

"Most of the people round here don't really understand my little fetish, but as long as I'm not hurting anyone I don't see what all the fuss is about" Mr. Quimm's Wife was one person that definitely didn't see the funny side of his quirky behaviour. He told us that his 68 year old wife left him last year when she caught him in an uncompromising position with a saloon car in a neighbour's garage "I really couldn't care less that my wife has left me" explains Tarquin. She was a frigid old bitch with a face like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle. I only agreed to marry her because she wore sexy underwear and she reminded me of an Austin Allegro"

Quimm's estranged Wife Ethel
Quimm's estranged Wife Ethel

When I decided to delve deeper into Mr. Quimm's past it quickly became apparent why most of the locals don't share his views on the innocence of his 'little fetish'

A local man who requested to remain anonymous told me that Mr. Quimm is notorious in the town for his depraved antics "About a year ago the perverted twat was caught fucking a Ford Focus in the middle of the town centre. I admit, most of the locals are well used to his ways but a coach full of nuns was driving past at the time, god only knows what they must have thought. I know a lot of them had to be treated in hospital for shock"

"I don't see what all the fuss is about"

Tarquin later told me that things don't always go to plan for him "about a year ago I decided to try this dogging lark that everybody is taking about at the moment. I slipped into a car park that is near to my house under the cover of night, found a suitable vehicle, inserted my old todger and started pumping away. To my horror the car engine started and I found myself stuck up the exhaust pipe as the dam thing was getting hotter and hotter. Luckily the driver of the car must have realised there was some sort of obstruction at the back of the vehicle and drove off. I had a hell of a time explaining that one in casualty I can tell you!"

Unfortunately for Mr. Quimm it looks as though his unusual ways maybe coming to an end, at least for the time being anyway, He has today been sectioned under the Mental health act.

Perverted man inadvertently enters record books
By Arthur Teacake


An infamous eccentric has just entered the record books for the person with the most objects surgically removed from their anus. 241 different objects have been removed from the anal canal of a Bristol man in the last three years - A new World record!

Fred Ebullana: Anal record holder
Fred Ebullana: Anal record holder.

42 year old toilet cleaner Fred Ebullana was told of his achievement last night, "I just cannot fucking believe it!. It's not that I was trying to get into the record books or anything I'm just so accident prone. I'm always falling over and impaling myself on various objects around the house. I'm so proud to have achieved this, just wait until I call my Mum, she will be so proud of me"

Rodger Cnut from The Murphy's Book of Weird World Records™ described Fred's record as remarkable. "Either this guy is as accident prone as he says he is or he's seriously perverted, I think I know what he is and deep down I think he does too, he just does not seem to admit to himself that he has a problem. His achievement is quite amazing, and one that we are proud to include in our new 2008 volume. How anybody could achieve something like this I'll never know,"

"I think the gerbil was the worst thing,
 those little buggers sure have sharp teeth"

A person who certainly doesn't count Fred's record as remarkable is Bristol hospital consultant Dr. Raj Persaude. "I'm totally fed up with this guy being admitted to this hospital with various objects rammed into his anal cavity. I didn't spend five years of my life training to be a doctor so I could waste my time treating twats like this. This annoying little twunt seems to occupy most of my time in the hospital, he may think he's some sort of celebrity but it's us medical staff who have to treat him when we could be giving help to deserving patients. I've also had to have him forcibly removed from the hospital on numerous occasions for molesting the nurses and exposing himself to other patients"

Dr. Raj Persaude examines yet another xray of what appears to be a coke bottle lodged in
Dr. Raj Persaude examines yet another xray of what appears to be a coke bottle lodged in
Mr. Ebullana's anal canal

View a video of Mr. Ebullana having a dildo removed from his anus

Mr. Ebullana explained how he has become a minor celebrity in Bristol "The neighbours have got quite used to seeing me carried out of my bedsit on a stretcher to a waiting ambulance with an object sticking out of my arse. I think the gerbil was the worst thing though, those little buggers sure have sharp teeth"

Here's a small selection of the 241 things Mr.Ebullana has had removed from his anal canal:

Rubik's Cube
Barbie Doll
Coke bottle
7 inch Vibrator
8 inch Vibrator
12 inch Vibrator
Gerbil (alive)
vacuum cleaner hose
Cricket ball
Mobile phone (set to vibrate)
Electric shaver
Tin of baked beans
baseball bat
My Little Pony toy
Pineapple
ipod (60gb)

A selection of water based lubricants found in Mr. Ebullana's flat
A selection of water based lubricants found in Mr. Ebullana's flat

 

The Murphy's Book of Weird World Records (Bellend Publishing) is available soon in all good bookshops
The Murphy's Book of Weird World Records (Bellend Publishing) is available soon in all good bookshops


 

Man amputates both his legs over foot phobia
By Arthur Teacake


In what doctors have described as an astonishing act of stupidity, a 32 year old man from Birmingham, UK decided to amputate both his legs below the knee because of a phobia of his own feet.

Cyril Dilligaf a 32 year old professional badger hunter has for many years suffered from Podophobia, an irrational fear of feet.
"I don't know what it is about feet but I just cannot stand them irritating little buggers, they just really scare the hell out of me with those horrible little wriggling toes and that. I mean, what are they good for apart from walking on?. I decided I could take no more of them so I sliced them of with a power saw I bought in the closing down sale at Woolworths. It hurt like fuck I can tell you but I think it was worth it. I just hope the bastards never grow back"

Cyril Dilligaf - stupid twat
Daft twat - Cyril Dilligaf poses for our camera

Cyril Dilligaf in his hospital bed- stupid fucker
Cyril Dilligaf amputated both legs over a fear of his own feet

Mr. Dilligaf even wrote to our very own Doctor Skcollob for medical advice before attempting his surgical procedure." He weren't very helpful about it" describes Dilligaf "He basically told me I was a complete twat for trying it myself but still wanted to charge me an arm and a leg to carry out the chopping himself - what a c*nt!"

The power saw Cyril Dilligaf used to amputate both his lags. Now for sale on eBay.
The power saw Cyril Dilligaf used to amputate both his lags. Now for sale on eBay.

Cyril 'stumpy' Dilligaf poses for our camera in his specially adapted pushchair
Cyril 'stumpy' Dilligaf poses for our camera in his specially adapted pushchair

Cyril is well known to the medical world for his strange behaviour and his latest body modification attempt comes as no surprise to his doctor and family. His mother, 46 year old Dylis Dilligaf told us "I'm still in shock at what my twat of a son has done to his body, but I suppose I should have expected it especially after the last stupid thing he done. Last year he decided to cut both his nipples off with a bread knife in case people saw him with his top off and thought he was a woman. I wouldn't have minded too much but the mess he made was terrible like, it ruined my new carpet. Christ only knows what he's going to cut off next! I've had enough of him I can tell you. It's bad enough having a son like him but when I'm out with him I have to put up with people shouting at him and calling him stumpy and stuff. It aint right is it, a 46 year old woman pushing along a 32 year old man in a pushchair. I blame his Dad Dylan for the way he is, he fucked off the day he was born and I haven't seen him since"

Cyril's fat Bitch of a Mother Dylis Dilligaf poses for our camera
Cyril's mother Dylis Dilligaf poses for our camera

It seems as this is not the end of the story though. Cyril was reluctant to tell me more of his leg amputation story, but after bribing him with a couple of bottles of his favourite gin he opened up to me. "When I chopped my legs off I nearly threw them out with the rubbish but then I came up with a plan to sell them on eBay. I'd left them in the garden shed as mum was complaining about the smell of them in my bedroom. I went out one day to get them ready to sell but noticed that one had disappeared, I reckon the neighbour's dog must have run off with it or summit. Anyway, nobody wanted to buy the leg so me and my mates are going to barbecue it and put a video of us getting pissed-up and eating it on youtube"

An artists impression of Mr. Dilligaf's impending BBQ
An artists impression of Mr. Dilligaf's impending BBQ

 

 


British man is oldest ever to undergo a Sex-change operation By Arthur Teacake


Spartacus Ramsbottom 87, a retired butcher from Bolton has officially been recognised as the oldest man in Britain and possibly the World to qualify for a Sex-change operation.

 "It's all thanks to the internet" smiles Spartacus as he proudly displays his letter of consent confirming the go ahead for his Sex change op in July this year "I suppose you could call me one of them silver surfers. I decided to get myself into the 21st century and buy myself a computer and get on the world wide web, as I thought it's never too late to learn, even at the ripe old age of 87!"

"I've been a woman trapped in a Man's body for as long as I can remember and thought the nightmare of living my life as male would never end, but thanks to my new pc skills I found Dr. Skcollob's website at the Betty Hubbard Clinic. I contacted him and after many emails and telephone conversations he agreed to operate. It isn't going to be cheap though, I've had to sell my house and use my life savings to pay for the Ł130,000 procedure. I think it will be definitely worth it though as I've already decided to call myself Dorothy after the operation is completed"

oldest man ever to undergo sex change operation
Spartacus Ramsbottom proudly displays his letter of consent from Dr. Skcollob of the Betty Hubbard Clinic

I asked Spartacus if he was at all worried about his impending procedure "not really as I suppose if something goes horribly wrong I've had a good innings I suppose, although Dr. Skcollob has made it clear he'll be getting his money whatever happens. He's made me sign a disclaimer to exonerate him of any blame if anything goes tits-up on the operating table. I hope everything does go to plan though as I'm really looking forward to getting fucked senseless when everything has settled down and the stitches come out"

NEWS UPDATE By Arthur Teacake
We have just received the picture below and a message from Dorothy (formally Spartacus) Ramsbottom. she recently contacted the news desk to inform me that her sex-change operation has been carried out and everything went very well with the whole procedure.

"I'd just like to let all the readers of this site know that everything went very well with my sex-change operation. Doctor Skcollob has done a really great job with my bits and pieces downstairs and he's even given me a nice big pair of tits as an added bonus too."

"I just managed to scrape together the money in time for the operation as Doctor Skcollob told me he needed more money due to some unforeseen complications regarding the procedure. I'm not only very happy with the results of the surgery but I've got myself a boyfriend too. His name is Carlos, he works as a toilet cleaner at the Betty Hubbard Clinic. We've fallen head over heals in love with each other and plan getting married as soon as my divorce comes through. It's not all been plain sailing though, as a couple of days after my operation I had to got back to the clinic as I accidentally pulled out a few of my stitches having rough sex with Carlos in the clinic toilets. Thanks for all the kind comments and get well cards I've received. I will send you some wedding pictures when me and Carlos tie the knot"

he oldest man in Britain and possibly the World to qualify for a Sex change operation
The happy couple - Dorothy Ramsbottom proudly showing off her new breasts with fiancée Carlos
 

 

 

British eccentric plans to be first to jump gorge in Reliant vehicle By Arthur Teacake

Large crowds are expected to converge on a cliff top in Somerset next month to witness an amateur stuntman who is aiming to be the first man in the World to jump over Cheddar Gorge in a three wheeled Reliant Car.

Terry Trudge, 45 will try to enter the records books next month jumping the 300 feet across the largest gorge in the UK in his specially adapted three wheeled vehicle.

“Its not going to be easy” admits Trudge “as something like this has never been attempted before, well, I did once try jumping over a double decker bus on a push bike when I was a kid but I broke both my legs when I landed. Hopefully this new record attempt will go a lot more smoothly.”

Trudge has been busy for the last six months preparing for his death defying stunt. “Me brother in-law works on a building site so he can nick all the wood I’ll need to build the eighty foot long ramp to jump over the gorge. I’ve also made a big spoiler out of plywood to go on the back of the car to give me some extra lift when I take-off the end of the ramp, plus I’ve tuned up the engine in me reliant so I can reach the sixty one miles per hour speed I’ve estimated I’ll need to get over the gorge and land safely on the other side”

reliant robin nutter
 Amateur Stuntman Terry Trudge poses next to his pride and joy

Not everyone shares Trudge’s positive views on his stunt though as I quickly discovered when I spoke to Ivor Dropcrotch from Exit Tours his only sponsor for the record attempt. "I’ve tried explaining to him that he hasn’t got a fucking chance in the world of making it, especially after he'd shown me that bloody awful plan he's drawn up. It looks like something a five year would scribble on the back of a corn flakes packet.  the ramp is too short and he won’t get enough speed up in that piece of shit car of his, but he just won’t listen to a word I say. He’s convinced he can do it though and says that it will be easy. People keep asking me why I’m sponsoring this twat when I know that he’ll fail miserably. Well I can tell you, it’s because of all the media attention this idiot is generating; I’m bound to be quids in when he tries this. I’m only turning up to see him die in a fireball to be honest”


Trudge's hand-drawn picture shows his somewhat ambitious intended jump trajectory

Ivor Dropcrotch is not he only person who disagrees with Trudge's positive attitude. The local police and ambulance services have refused to have anything to do with his record attempt. In a statement released yesterday they denounced Trudge as a ‘Deranged lunatic fantasist, who is a danger to himself and the general public’

Terry Trudge - Amateur Stuntman and would be record breaker
Terry Trudge - Amateur Stuntman and would-be record breaker

NEWS UPDATE  By Arthur Teacake
Amateur stuntman from Somerset dies in horrific fireball

In a scene that can only be described as horrific, Amateur Stuntman and would-be record breaker Terry Trudge and several bystanders were killed yesterday as his record breaking attempt to jump over Cheddar gorge, Somerset in a converted Reliant car ended in tragedy.

As astonished crowds looked on in stunned disbelief, Trudge left the ramp in his car at what experts estimate to be 30-35 mph far short of his estimated 61 mph. He left the end of the make-shift wooden ramp and dropped approximately 400 feet to the floor of the gorge below. As his fibreglass bodied car smashed onto rocks, his screams could be heard as he tried in vain to escape the wreckage. Moments later the car caught fire and exploded in a huge fireball killing three spectators and one dog that were trying to free him from the mangled wreck.


Hear an audio recording of the ill fated record attempt. Or download an mp3 HERE

“It’s terribly sad really” said one anonymous witness who was at the scene yesterday “You’ve got to feel sorry for the daft twat. So many people tried to talk him out of it at the last minute but he was having none of it. It’s the three spectators and one dog who were killed that I feel sorry for. They were just there to watch the show but went home in body bags”

I also interviewed Professor Harold Hogcock of Bristol University. “Everything he could have done wrong he did. The ramp was far too short and at totally the wrong angle and his take-off speed was just a joke. His estimated speed of 61 mph would be far too slow to attempt a jump of this length let alone the 25-30 mph I estimate he did leave the ramp at. He would need to be travelling at speeds in excess of something around 120mph to get anything close to making it across to the other side of the gorge. Not only that but even if he did make it across he’d have to be able to slow down sufficiently afterwards. I don’t think he’d even thought about that. Madness, total madness” 


Terry Trudge’s last moments captured on camera
 

Another witness who saw the tragedy unfold was Steve Lopanorkoff who travelled from Bristol with friends to see the jump.” Me and my mates was in the crowd of about a thousand people I’m guessing. We couldn’t believe how many people turned up to see that idiot Trudge bloke. To be honest we only came down here as we wanted to see him die and we weren’t disappointed. It’s us you can hear on the sound recording cheering when his car exploded and that dog was running around on fire. We got some funny looks for that I can tell you” 
 
Steve Lopanorkoff and fucking weird friend
Steve Lopanorkoff and friend travelled from Bristol to witness the tragedy unfold

I spoke to Trudge shortly before his ill fated attempt yesterday. His last words to me were “see you on the other side” With a large grin on his face he started his engine, gave an optimistic wave to the cheering crowds below and sped off towards the ramp. How prophetic those words seem now.


 

 

Man from Birmingham admits to fabric conditioner drinking addiction By Arthur Teacake

A man from Birmingham has admitted to an addiction to drinking fabric conditioner. Ron Ronel says that he drinks about a litre bottle of the stuff a day. His favourites are springtime fresh, lavender and meadow flowers. "I don't know what it is about the stuff; it's just the fresh taste and the way it slips down my throat that I love. Lenor, comfort I've tried them all. I know that it's dangerous, but I just can't help drinking the stuff" 

Ron Ronel- Self confessed fabric conditioner drinking addict
Ron Ronel- Self confessed fabric conditioner drinking addict

Doctors have warned him that his addiction is highly dangerous and his GP is surprised that he is still alive. The expense of his dependence is costing him hundreds of pounds a year. His wife has left him as she'd rather he was an alcoholic than have the embarrassment of their friends and neighbours knowing about his strange infatuation. Ron's wife Rita said that every time an advert was shown on TV for a new type of conditioner he'd have to shoot out the house and buy it. If the advert was shown late at night he would scour the town looking for 24hr shops or filling stations. "He is well known in our local supermarket where he can regularly be seen with a trolley full of bottles. The staff laugh at him behind his back and call him mister softie. Sometimes we wouldn't have enough money for food as he spends most of his cash on that bloody stuff".

Ron Ronel's ex-Wife Rita - old slapper
Ron Ronel's ex-Wife Rita

NEWS UPDATE  By Arthur Teacake

Sadly, since I first reported on this story, Ron was found dead by his friend Derek Drifisting. "I found him sprawled on his sofa, covered in vomit and surrounded by empty fabric conditioner bottles. His cravings were really starting to get out of control. He'd eat hardly any food and just wanted to drink conditioner all day. He was drinking so much of his favourite, the springtime fresh that it was turning his shit yellow"

His friend has since told me that Ron was so fanatical with drinking fabric conditioner that he’d even stated in his will that he wished to be buried in bottle-shaped coffin. "That bottle aint gonna be cheap to make and I've had one hell of a job tying to find somebody willing to make it but in the end I found a couple of chippies that said they'd make it for three grand. Ron's ex-wife aint gonna be pleased when she finds out, but that's what Ron wanted to be buried in. I think he knew his addiction was going to kill him in the end and that's why he put it in his will". 

Craftsmen make the finishing touches to Ron Ronel's bottle coffin
Craftsmen make the finishing touches to Ron Ronel's bottle coffin

Since I first reported on this story it has come to my attention that a man has been arrested in a supermarket car park trying to set light to a large wooden bottle-shaped box containing a man's body. I contacted Ron's friend Derek Drifisting and soon discovered the truth behind this story. "Since we last spoke I was clearing out Ron's flat when I found a copy of an updated will written by Ron. He'd changed his mind about his funeral arrangements and stated that instead of a burial he now wanted to be cremated in his bottle coffin in the car park of his favourite supermarket where he'd bought most of his favourite 'flavour' of fabric conditioner"

weird bastard Derek Drifisting
Ron's friend and executor of his will Derek Drifisting

"I had one hell of a job getting that coffin on the roof rack on my car and finding enough firewood to make the funeral pyre to burn him. His ex-wife, Rita didn't want to know. There's no way she wanted to be involved, especially as she'd lost three grand out of the will because of the cost of making Ron's coffin. I've heard that she's now gone into hiding after she found out what I done. I don't blame her really; it must be fucking embarrassing having to live with something like that" 

"I had to do the cremation late at night after the shop had shut and I'd be sure no bugger was about to see what I was up to. I'd just got everything burning nicely when the bloody rozzers and the fire brigade turned up, blue lights flashing. Now, because of Ron's last bloody request I'm being done for attempted arson and disposing of a human body in a public area. You try to do a good deed and look what happens. Well never again I can tell you!"

 

 

Man obsessed with Jimmy Savile has plastic surgery to look like his idol By Arthur Teacake 

A self confessed 'mad' Jimmy Savile fan from Somerset plans to have drastic plastic surgery performed on his face to look more like his idol. Tarquin Swetifanni an unemployed toilet cleaner from Bridgwater says that he is planning to spend his life savings on the procedure.Tarquin is well known in his town, where he can regularly be seen walking around dressed as his idol wearing a tracksuit, blonde wig, chunky gold-coloured plastic jewellery and shouting 'now then now then' at people in the street, cigar in hand.

NEWS UPDATE
since the time of writing Tarquin Swetifanni's surgery has been competed (see pictures below)

Tarquin Swetifanni Jimmy Savile look-a-like
 
Stage 1: Tarquin Swetifanni's transformation into Jimmy Savile begins.

"I've been a huge fan of Jimmy Savile since I was a kid. I can remember watching Jim'll fix it every Saturday and feeling really jealous of them kids who got to be on that show with him. I even tried sending a letter to him once. I writ in the letter that I wanted to spend the day with him dressed in a tracksuit with loads of gold chunky jewellery and a blonde wig. For some reason I never got to be on TV. Over the years I've collected loads of Jimmy stuff; I've got mugs, scrapbooks full of pictures, badges, books, loads of different tracksuits that I wear and posters all over the walls of the house. 

Tarquin Swetifanni Jimmy Savile look-a-like
Stage 2: Tarquin starts to take-on the appearance of his idol.

When I spoke to Tarquin he told me how angry he feels about the way Jimmy Savile has been portrayed in the press. "I cried for three days when the news broke about Jim being a perv and fiddling with them kids and stuff. I still don't believe to this day that it can be true; I reckon somebody's got it in for him, its all lies I tell you; Jimmy would have never done anything like that as he did loads for charity and was always going to visit them kiddies in hospital." 

Tarquin Swetifanni Jimmy Savile look-a-like
Stage 3: Transformation finished complete with hair transplant

Tarquin's major life changing operation will be performed by Doctor Skcollob at the Betty Hubbard Clinic in London later this year. "It aint gonna be cheap gettin me face done but I reckon it will be worth it. Doctor Skcollob is charging me fifty grand to do it, it's a lot of money I know but I'm planning on selling my mum's house and using my life savings to pay for it. "I'm going for the full look. The end result is going to look so good that my friends and family won't recognise me, I'm even having a full hair transplant made from twenty thousand old white pubic hairs to make me look the part" 

NEWS UPDATE  By Arthur Teacake
Since first reporting on Tarquin Swetifanni's story I am pleased to say that his transformation to look like his idol Jimmy Savile has gone well, too well some may say. "Doctor Skcollob done a really good job of doing my face and that, I'm really pleased with how I look, even though my face is still really sore and swollen. I had to wait ages before the stitches could come out, so I started to pull them out myself with pliers a couple of days after the operation as I couldn't wait to get out of the house and show off my new look"  Unfortunately as it turns out for Tarquin his drastic makeover looks too convincing to some people. "Since the stitches came out and I got out and about again dressed up in all me Jimmy gear I've had loads of problems. I've had people shout at me in the street, kids calling me all sorts of horrible names, been beaten-up twice and I've even had bricks thrown through me windows and graffiti sprayed all over me house too.


Tarquin Swetifann's Graffiti sprayed house

"It seems that being beaten up and having his windows smashed are not the only woes for Tarquin as he told me that he has been refused entry into this year's London Marathon. "I sent me form off for the run as I thought I could do what jimmy did and try and run this year's London marathon. They sent my application form and photo back as they said it wouldn't be appropriate for me to compete in the race, or some shit like that"


Tarquin pictured in happier times, posing with a fan

It has today come to my attention, that sadly, Tarquin has recently been sectioned under the mental health act and placed on the National Nutter Watch Register. According to his neighbour, Phyllis Phucknutt he was last seen being dragged into a van by mental health officials screaming something about Jimmy Savile being innocent.

Phyllis Phucknutt - mad old bitch
Phyllis Phucknutt who witnessed Tarquin Swetifanni’s reluctant departure to the loony bin.

"I were shocked to see the daft twat carted off to the loony bin that day. He was screaming and shouting at the top of his voice. Those guys had one hell of a job trying to get him in the back of that van; I think they had to put him in a straightjacket in the end as he was going completely nuts. He was shouting about Jimmy Savile not being a perv or something. I think I saw a piece of his face fall off in the struggle too as when I went outside afterwards to look there was blood and something that looked like white pubes all over the road.”



 

Man born as just a head says: "Please, no more hats"
By Arthur Teacake 

A man who was tragically born without limbs or even a body has today requested that the public stop sending him hats. Wayne Necking who was born as just a head says that people started to send him hats three years ago after he made an emotional appeal for the garments whilst being interviewed on a regional TV news show. 

"It all started as a bit of a joke really" says Wayne "When I was being interviewed on the show I mentioned the fact that as I am just a head, the only clothes I can wear, are of course hats. I made an appeal on the show for the viewers to send me any unwanted hats they had as I was getting bored with the few that I had at home. At first I received a few hats through the post but then everything went silly. I was at one time getting deliveries of hundreds of the bloody things a day; the post office had to send out a dedicated delivery van twice a day to keep up with it all. I still get at least a hundred hats a day through the post and I've just about had enough of it all I can tell. I've even thought about taking legal action to get it all stopped, but my solicitor has told me I haven't got a leg to stand on. I hope people read your report and realise that enough is enough" 

After interviewing Wayne about his strange hat predicament I quickly realised that this was only the beginning to this man's remarkable life story. Wayne took me completely by surprise when he told me that he has a girlfriend. "Yeah I've got a girlfriend; most people are really surprised when I tell them. They assume that just because I'm basically just a head that no woman would be interested in me. I've been in a relationship with Chantelle for a couple of years now, she's no oil painting I'll be the first to admit, but when you're in my shoes you cant afford to be fussy." It was at this point I brought up the delicate subject of the couple's sex life, I asked Wayne if they have a love life and if so how they go about having sex. 


Wayne Necking's girlfriend Chantelle

"In the beginning it was really difficult for us to have any type of sexual contact; when you're just a head you've got to make the most of what you've got. I'll be first to admit that I've love to have a knob, but luckily I was born with quite a long tongue so at least I can give Chantelle some sort of gratification. Chantelle can't really pleasure me though, I mean there's not really much she can do to me except kiss me and tickle my ears. Things were starting to get really stale in the bedroom department, but a few months ago, out of the blue, I received an email from The British Institute of Technology for Deformed People. They'd heard about me because of the hat saga and offered to make me an artificial penis device that could be worn on my head. I jumped at the chance as I thought this could really make a difference to our love life. I've now had the apparatus fitted and it works a treat. It's basically a sort of bicycle hat with a seven inch dildo fitted on the top. It has a tube and a rubber bulb fitted to it that I grip between my teeth. When I want to 'cum' I bite on the bulb and it squeezes out the artificial semen. It really brought a smile to Chantelle's face the first time we tried it out I can tell you" 


Wayne Necking's specially made Sex hat

If Wayne's stories of his sexual exploits were not strange enough what he told me next was a real eye opener. "I'm pleased to tell you that thanks to my 'sex hat' as I call it, my girlfriend is now pregnant. I know what you must be thinking; how can a man born without any sexual organs get his girlfriend pregnant? Well, it's all down to the generosity of my brother, he decanted some of his sperm into my sex hat, I pumped away in Chantelle and bit down on the rubber bulb, and the rest, as they say is history."  

NEWS UPDATE
It is with great pleasure, that today I can announce that Wayne's girlfriend Chantelle has given birth to a beautiful bouncing baby head.
 

 

 

Amateur astronaut plans to attempt moon landing in homemade rocket By Arthur Teacake  

An Amateur inventor and scientist from Essex has announced that he will attempt to fly to the moon in a homemade space rocket next year. Cornelius Knobstalker a 49 year old School caretaker from Jaywick says that he intends to attempt the ambitious rocket launch and space mission as early as next April.

Daft twat Cornelius Knobstalker
Amateur astronaut Cornelius Knobstalker

"I've always been fascinated with rockets and space travel and stuff since I watched the original moon landing as a kid in 1969. Since that day I've been hooked, so, one day I thought to myself, if NASA can do it, so can I. I mean, how difficult can it be? I started to design and build my own space rocket in my garage five years ago. If all goes to plan I intend to blast off to the moon sometime next spring" 

"Some people have been really unkind to me. They've been saying that I'm only doing it for the $30 million dollar Lunar X Prize. I'll be the first to admit that yes, the money will come in really handy as the misses wants a new kitchen and conservatory, plus the bathroom needs painting and she hasn't had a holiday for five years due the work and money I've had to put into building my rocket and planning the space mission. These things can't be rushed, its not like I'm popping down the shops to buy a pint of milk or something, that moon is over a thousand miles away" 

I asked Cornelius how he's managed to finance his ambitious project on his somewhat modest salary. "It hasn't been easy, I'll be the first to admit, but my rocket, Moondreamer 1 is coming along nicely; I'm really pleased with how well the project has gone so far. It hasn't all been plain sailing though as some of the bits and pieces I've needed to build her have been really difficult, or expensive to come by. Luckily a lot of the components I've used have either been found in skips or friends and family have donated them. For example, the computer I'm using to launch the rocket and control the flight path to the moon is an old Amstrad pc I found in the loft. The main body of the 25 feet high rocket is made from carpet tubes, old car parts and aluminium sheeting and the launch pad is made from wood that me brother-in-law nicked off a building site. The rocket is filled with 80 gallons of petrol and my secret accelerant ingredient. My friends and family think I'm mad filling it with that amount of petrol, but I've had the last laugh as you should see all the nectar points I've got for buying all that fuel. One of the most difficult parts of the whole mission has been finding a spacesuit. They're not exactly the easiest things to locate but I managed to find one in a fancy dress shop in the end. My helmet is made from a modified motorbike crash helmet that I got off eBay and my life-support pack is made from a couple of old fire extinguishers I found in a skip" 


Cornelius Knobstalker makes the final preparations to his manned space rocket

I asked Cornelius if he intended to take any passengers with him when he blasts off from his back garden early next year. "I did ask the wife if she wants to come with me when I go as not many people get to go up in a rocket, let alone walk on the moon, but she's having none of it, she says it's too dangerous, even though I've fitted a parachute on the rocket so I can glide down to the ground safely if anything goes wrong before it gets out of the earth's atmosphere. Don't tell her this, but I doubt the fat cow could fit in a spacesuit anyhow, so just as well really. I've decided she can stay at home as I need someone back here at mission control"

Mr. Knobstalker's ambitious attempt to land on the moon has been condemned by health and safety experts as being totally irresponsible and highly dangerous. They are not the only officials who disagree with Cornelius's positive attitude. The local police, fire brigade and ambulance services have refused to have anything to do with his planned rocket launch. In a statement released yesterday they denounced Cornelius as "A deranged lunatic fantasist, who is a danger to himself and the general public”

NEWS UPDATE By Arthur Teacake  
Amateur would-be space explorer from Essex dies in horrifying explosion

In a scene that can only be described as horrific, amateur astronaut, Cornelius Knobstalker, his wife and several bystanders were killed yesterday as his record breaking attempt to fly to the moon in a homemade rocket ended in tragedy. Cornelius made the decision to launch his ill-fated mission ahead of schedule as he completed construction of his rocket much earlier than the anticipated date of April 2014.


Hear an audio recording of the ill-fated rocket launch. Or download an mp3 HERE
 

I watched yesterday as Cornelius climbed into his rocket, strapped himself into the launch module, and gave a cheery wave to the few spectators who could be bothered to turn-up. His wife then gave the countdown, as she looked on nervously from her position in mission control (the couple's garden shed) as the small crowd cheered, Cornelius fired-up the engines. Seconds later the rocket made a loud hissing noise as flames and acrid thick black smoke shot from the bottom of the exhaust nozzle. The rocket then started to noisily rise up a few inches off its launch pad, and then suddenly a colossal explosion ripped through the area and blew me backwards off my feet. The next thing I remember is getting up from the scorched ground in a state of dazed confusion and thinking to myself; there goes one amateur astronaut and 80 gallons of petrol.


A scene of devastation - The Moondreamer 1 rocket explodes as spectators run for cover

The huge explosion wiped-out the garden shed, most of the house, and left a six foot deep crater in the couple's lawn. When the smoke cleared I noticed only a few scorched and twisted smoking fragments of the rocket remaining in what was once the couple's back garden. Cornelius was nowhere to be seen.

Rescue workers at the rocket blast site search for bodies amongst the debris
Rescue workers at the rocket blast site search for bodies amongst the debris


I consider myself extremely lucky to be alive after witnessing yesterday's events. Sadly it has come to my attention that today the rescue services have confirmed that a badly burnt body of a man, believed to Cornelius was found dangling from a tree in a field, over three miles away from the launch site.
 
 

 

 

Man living in litter bin makes plea to be left alone
by Arthur Teacake 

A man living inside a litter bin in a park has made an emotional plea for people to leave him alone so he can live in peace. Damien Dampkrack a 37 year old former bear baiter made the request yesterday when his presence in the bin was highlighted by the charity Bin2Home an organisation that tries to re-house the homeless in litter bins. Keith Rettil from the charity explained to me that the local authorities have been trying to evict him for months but without success, as there is no legal precedent for a case such as this. "It's typical of the society in which we live today, there's no regard for the homeless; all these local authorities are interested in is removing the destitute from bins and putting them back on the streets, it's totally unfair." 

Damien Dampkrack - Man lives in a bin
Damien Dampkrack - At home in his bin

Damien became homeless when he lost his job as a bear baiter "there's just no interest in bear baiting these days, I blame the animal rights people for my predicament, they put a stop to it as they said it was cruel. These people have always got to be interfering with people in the animal entertainment trade. Those bears loved to fight I can tell you. When I became homeless I was living in shop doorways, park benches and just about anywhere else. Then, out of the blue I was contacted by Keith, and he got me sorted out with a nice bin in the local park (we cannot name the park or its location for legal reasons) and I've been living in it ever since. It's quite a comfortable home really; I have to sleep sitting down as these things were not really designed to be lived in. I have a small gas stove to do my cooking on and the park attendant inserts a hose through the opening of the bin once a week so I can have a wash. I sometimes get people post food in for me and keep myself occupied by reading books on travel. I know that I'm living in cramped conditions, but at least I've got a roof over my head and I feel safe from the outside world. The authorities want me out, but I'm going nowhere." 

Bin2Home

It seems that not every aspect of life in a bin has been positive for Damien though, as I soon discovered when he told me about the negative side of bin life. "I get a lot of people walking past my bin and laughing at me, plus that's not all. I've had drunk people pissing through the opening at night, kids throwing dog shit in when I've been asleep, and one night I even had a group of drunk lads try to pull me out of my bin as they thought I was trapped inside." 

I spoke to Psychologist Doctor Henry Spazz and asked him why people such as Damien choose to live in cramped conditions such as litter bins. "It all goes back to the womb instinct. I can only surmise that people like Damien were taken away from their mothers at a very early stage of their development and so choose to make up for this lack of bonding with their parent by going back into the 'womb'. Plus the fact that they're fucking mad" 

Physiologist Doctor Henry Spazz
Psychologist
Doctor Henry Spazz

 

NEWS UPDATE By Arthur Teacake 
Man found burnt to death in litter bin

In a scene that can only be described as appalling, a man believed to Damien Dampkrack was found burnt to death yesterday in the remains of a litter bin which had been his home for some months.

The press report the news of Damien Dampkrack's death
The press report the news of
Damien Dampkrack's death

Early reports suggest that Damien was killed by a group of youths seen loitering around Damien's bin late last night. A witness I spoke to, who wishes to remain anonymous, told me that he was awoken last night by the sound of a group of youths shouting and cheering. "My house overlooks the park where that bin was. I was lying in bed last night with the misses, when all of a sudden like, we could hear all these kids voices outside shouting something about a nutter in a bin. They was all really loud and I think they was drunk or on drugs or something. There are some right little twats living around here so I didn't think much of it at the time. I was just getting my head down and all of a sudden like this bright orange light lit up the bedroom and we heard a loud whooshing noise and what sounded like a man screaming. I got up out of my bed, looked out of the window and saw the bin on fire and a load of kids running off and laughing. I didn't see anything else as the wife told me to come back to bed as she said it was probably just some kids setting fire to that weirdo what lives in a bin. You have to laugh at the little rascals don't you"


Hear an audio recording of the youths setting fire to the bin. Or download an mp3 HERE
 

The fire service has today announced that the charred remains of a body believed to be man were found today welded to the molten residue of a fibreglass litter bin. A fireman told me today that he and his colleagues found an 'unidentifiable black mass' "We couldn't tell what was him and what was the bin, so we scraped up the mess with a shovel and threw it in the duck pond."


 

 


Controversial Farmer mysteriously starts laying eggs after experimenting on his animals by Arthur Teacake

A 69 year old farmer from Norfolk has started to lay eggs. Jock Kringe says that he became aware that something was going very wrong with his body about a year ago. "It all started one day when I was sat on the toilet with terrible constipation like. I was just sat there pushing and pushing and nothing would come out. It felt like my brain was going to burst I was straining that hard, I've never know anything like it, the pain was unbearable, I thought I was going to rip myself a new one. I was just about to give up when all of a sudden like I felt something slide out of me and drop in the toilet. I looked down and couldn't believe what I seen, there in the water was a large egg. Since that day I haven't been able to shit once, all I can do is lay eggs, it's ruining my life I can tell you."

Farmer Jock Kringe poses with his latest creation the Pikey. A cross between a pig and a turkey
Farmer Jock Kringe poses with his latest creation the Pikey. A cross between a pig and a turkey

Doctors and scientists are completely baffled as to how Jock came to start lying eggs but believe it probably has something to do with the fact that he has been experimenting with his own type of genetic modification with his farm animals. Professor Brian Marp chief medical officer at the British Farming Institute believes that Jock only has himself to blame. "He's a bloody idiot. I'm not surprised the moron has started to lay eggs; he's probably given himself some sort of hideous genetic deformity by tampering with chicken DNA or something.

When I questioned Jock about the fact that his condition could be linked to his own animal experiments he was quick to deny any link between the two. "People round here have been saying lots of nasty things about me. They been saying that I've been having sex with my chickens, ducks, donkeys and cows, but none of it is true I tell you. I think people are jealous of me because they don't think a man whose sister is also his mother and can't read and write could do something like what I'm doing.


A regular egg laid by Jock Kringe and a chicken egg shown for size comparison.

I don't know why I've started to lay eggs, but I tell you one thing, it's not because I'm shagging my animals. I will admit that I have been doing experiments with some of my animals. I bought something called a genetic modification kit on that internet from China. I've been mixing up chicken embryos and injecting the stuff into other eggs to see what happens. I'm trying to breed a really big chicken. I will say that I do eat the eggs what I been injecting as they taste really nice, but I can't see how that is linked to my problems like what people say it is. I've also tried crossing a pig and a turkey, I call it a pikey, they taste delicious."

NEWS UPDATE
Controversial farmer found dead.

Notorious farmer Jock Kringe was found dead yesterday . Early reports suggest he was found by a neighbour, slumped on his toilet; trousers around his ankles with an egg halfway emerged from his anus. Mr. Kringe's farmer neighbour who wished to remain anonymous told me that he called in to see Jock at his farm yesterday. "I went over to see Jock yesterday as I hadn't seen him around for a few days, but I'd heard some loud grunting noises coming from his farmhouse. I couldn't see the old bugger anywhere so I started to search his house and realised he was locked in the bathroom. I smashed my way in and saw the awful sight of jock's lifeless body sitting on the toilet with what looked like an egg sticking out of his arse. The smell in that room was bloody terrible like. I've been a farmer since I were a lad, so I'm used to awful smells, but that was just something else, It were like a cross between shit and rotten eggs. Jock's corpse had a terrified look in its eyes and his face was all screwed up, frozen in agony; I'm guessing that trying to shit an egg that size was just too much for his body to take"


Hear an audio recording of Jock Kringe on the toilet passing an egg. Or download an mp3 HERE
 

 

 

 

Amateur scientist plans to bring Jimmy Savile back from the dead by Arthur Teacake

In an experiment that has been denounced as 'an unbelievably revolting and sickening act of utter madness', and not to mention, 'totally impossible' by many experts; amateur scientist and inventor Gary Crotch has announced that he plans to bring the body of disgraced TV and radio personality Jimmy Savile back to life.

"It isn't going to be easy I'll be the first to admit" says Gary "I've put loads of time, money and effort into doing this but I now think I'm getting really close to success. I plan to bring Jimmy back to life for the entire world to see, next month. I'm bringing him back from the dead so he can tell his side of the story so hopefully the media will realise he's innocent. People have been quick to judge me, they say that a 52 year old sewage worker from Leeds has got no chance of getting this to work because I'm not a 'real' scientist. Well let me tell you, I'm doing this to prove them all wrong. I'm no loony like that Tarquin Swetifanni bloke that you reported on a while ago, I'm really serious about this."

Gary Crotch - Amateur Scientist and inventor
Gary Crotch - Amateur Scientist and inventor

After talking to Gary for several minutes and listening to his plans, a thought suddenly came to me. If this man is planning to bring the disgraced celebrity Jimmy Savile back to life, how on earth did he manage to get hold of the man's body in the first place?  "Well, I thought you'd bring this one up. You may remember that a while ago they reported in the news that Jimmy's headstone was smashed-up and put into a skip. Well, that was me that was; I took the opportunity to go back that night with a mate of mine. We dug up the coffin, opened it up and put the body in a large plastic bag to keep it fresh. We bundled it into the back of my mate's van and drove off quick back to my place. When we got back to my lab, we unwrapped the body and put it in my mum's chest freezer. It wasn't as easy as you may think though; we had to make room in there for the corpse to fit as the daft old bat keeps buying stuff when it's on offer at the supermarket. I will admit that yes, call me a grave robber if you like but I don't see myself doing anything wrong really. I think that in the name of science it's far more important to bring an innocent man back to life to tell his side of the story than have him rot in some depressing old graveyard."

An artist's impression of how Jimmy Saville could look if brought back from the dead
An artist's impression of how Jimmy Savile could look if brought back from the dead

I asked Gary how he became interested in cryogenics and how in he intends to bring the body of Jimmy Savile back from the dead. "I'm not using cryogenics to bring back Jimmy, that's something to do with freezing in liquid nitrogen or some shit like that. No, what I'm using is good old-fashioned electricity to resurrect the body. I can't go into too much detail as there a lot of other scientists out there who would love to know my secrets, but I can give you a few details. I've built a laboratory in my mum's garage it I call my regeneration lab. It has taken me years to get everything just the way I want it. I've built a large wooden table in there to put the body on, plus there a huge electricity coil device with probes coming out of it that hangs down from the ceiling. The probes are attached to different parts of the dead body I'm experimenting on. When I flick the switch huge amounts of electricity are emitted from the device and enter the patient's corpse. I can't go into much more detail from this point, but, it's after only a few more seconds that life begins again and the previously lifeless body rises up from the table and starts to walk and talk. I think some of the people who live round here are starting to get suspicious of me doing these experiments, as every time I switch on my electricity coil in the lab most of the neighbour's lights start to flicker and the street lights dim. I dread to think what my mum's electricity bill will be when all this is over I can tell you"

I asked Gary if he's had any previous success in bringing a human body back from the dead. "No, Jimmy will be my first and probably greatest achievement. I've had some success experimenting on mice that I knock over the head and kill, and then try to bring back to life. I've been buying them from my local pet shop. The man in there is always asking me why I'm buying loads of mice all the time, I tell him that I'm keeping them as pets but they keep dying, so I've got to buy loads more. I think he's starting to get suspicious as he gives me some really dirty looks when I walk in the shop now."

I also asked Gary what he thought Jimmy's first words would be once he'd been brought back to life. "I've been thinking long and hard about this one and I've managed to narrow it down to these short sentences" - I'm dying for a cigar, I'm innocent boys and gals, now then now then, where's the nearest hospital/Children's home?

"Everything is in place and ready to go any day now, as soon as Jimmy has thawed out, that's when I'll throw the switch and the great man will once again walk the earth" 

NEWS UPDATE
Amateur 'Frankenstein' scientist found dead.

In scene that can only be described as horrific, amateur scientist Gary Crotch and his mother were found dead yesterday. Early reports suggest that Mr Crotch and his mother Doris were killed when his experiment to resurrect the body of Jimmy Savile went disastrously wrong. His yet to be formally identified body was found welded to a chest freezer in his mother's garage.

Gary Crotch's garage goes up in flames after his experiment goes disastrously wrong
Gary Crotch's garage goes up in flames after his experiment goes disastrously wrong

A neighbour I spoke to, who wished to remain anonymous told me that she heard a loud hissing noise followed by a deafening bang and screams. "I was in my kitchen washing the dishes looking out of my window that overlooks Mrs. Crotch's garden and garage. I heard some loud electrical buzzing noises coming from her garage but didn't think too much of it, as that weird son of hers is always in there tinkering around with something. I'd just finished doing my dishes when all of a sudden I heard some really loud crackling and buzzing noises. I could feel a tingling sensation all over my body and my hair stood on end. The lights in my kitchen started to flicker really quickly and I could see thick smoke coming out of the garage, plus, there was an awful smell in the air like burnt bacon. Seconds later the power in my house went off and I heard a colossal bang that blew me off my feet. The next thing I remember is getting up off the floor, looking out of the window and seeing the dreadful sight of Mrs. Crotch running across her garden, screaming in agony with her hair and clothes on fire. I rushed out of my house to try and help her, but by the time I got to her she was already dead. I feel completely traumatised now because of that poor woman's idiotic son. He should have been locked up years ago"


Hear an audio recording of Gary Crotch's ill-fated Jimmy Savile resurrection Experiment. Or download an mp3 HERE
 

The fire service has today confirmed that the bodies of three people were found at the property belonging to Mrs. Crotch. A fireman I spoke to told me that he and his colleagues inspected the remains of the garage and found the badly burnt body of one man welded to the side of a chest freezer. Another charred, partially frozen body of an elderly man, stretched out on makeshift operating table, dressed in a velour tracksuit and a severely burnt, elderly female corpse in the garden.

 

 

 

 64 year old man becomes the first person in the World to become ‘pregnant’ by having dying Wife’s foetus transplanted into his own body By Arthur Teacake

Over the many years working as a news journalist for The New Site of the Weird It has been my dubious pleasure to report on some truly strange, weird and downright deranged stories. This next story however, is truly disturbing.

In what medical professionals from around the World have condemned as a totally sickening and repulsive publicity stunt, a 64 year old man from *********** (town obscured for legal reasons) has announced that he is the first man in the World to become pregnant with his dead wife’s baby. In a medical first, Clint Oris an unemployed rat catcher has had the pioneering surgery performed by the controversial Doctor Skcollob at the Betty Hubbard Clinic in London.

I asked Clint how this whole unusual scenario came about. “I got laid off early last year as there aint too many rats around to kill at the moment. It’s sad really as I loved my job killing those little bastards. The company I worked for gave me a few grand in redundancy money so I thought I’d spend it on a holiday for myself. I’ve always fancied going to Vegas but never had the money, so I thought; I’ve got the dosh let’s get out there and have a good time. I done all the usual gambling stuff out there and saw a few shows and that, so one night I thought I’d do something a bit different and go to one of them strip shows. That is where I met Tracy, she were a 29 year old dancer there. We got chatting and just hit it off straight away. Turns out she was from the UK and was from a town not too far from where I live. I couldn’t believe my luck, so the next night and every night after, I met up with her in the club for drinks and a chat. On the last night of me holiday I plucked up the courage to ask her to marry me. I couldn’t believe it when she said yes. The next day we got married at one of them drive through wedding chapels.”

Clint Oris poses for the camera after his successful foetus transplant
Clint Oris poses for the camera after his successful foetus transplant

“When we got back to the UK things were going really well between us. One night after a few drinks too many Tracy told me that I were going to be a dad. I must admit that it were a bit of a shock, as at my time of life I thought I’d be shooting blanks - but there you go. Tracy was about four months pregnant when we went to see the doc for a check-up to make sure the kid was growing alright or something like that. Tracy told the doctor that she had been feeling really unwell over the last few weeks but thought it was just something to do with having a kid. It were a real shock to us both when the doctor told us she were dying and they couldn’t do nothing to save her or the baby. The Doctor told us what the name of the disease but I can’t remember what it was as I’m no good with big words and stuff. Anyhow he said it was some type of incurable sex disease. I think she picked up something nasty from all those guys that she sucked-off when she worked in that club in Vegas.”

Tracy Oris - Clint's late wife
Tracy Oris - Clint's late wife

“The Doctor told us there was no hope for Tracy but there was a slim chance that the baby could be saved. He told us that there was a surgeon what he knew in London that was working on a new type of transplant to take a baby out of a woman’s gut and sew it into the dad so he could carry it until the kid was born. We both decided that we had nothing to lose so we’d give it a go, even though the doctor told us it wouldn’t be cheap. He were right too, it cost me what was left of my redundancy money and I had to sell my house. The doc told us there was no time to lose, so the next day we went down to the Betty Hubbard Clinic in London for the operation”

“Doctor Skcollob told me and Tracy what the operation was all about and what he was going to cut out of her and stitch into me and not to worry even though it would kill Tracy. He said some really big words that I didn’t understand, but I thought; keep calm and think of the kid. I don’t remember anything about the operation, but when I woke up afterwards the bottom half of my body felt really sore and bruised. I didn’t realise how bloody painful the whole thing would be, my body just didn’t feel right. Having a cock and a vagina seemed really weird and going to the toilet was really painful too, it took two nurses to help me every time I wanted to go for a shit. My plumbing was in one hell of a state I can tell you, there were tubes sticking out of every hole, but all the time I was thinking about how pleased Tracy would be, knowing that I were going to give birth to our kid.”

I asked Doctor Skcollob from The Betty Hubbard Clinic how he performed this highly controversial yet remarkable procedure. “I cannot believe that a medical professional has not thought about performing this relatively straightforward transplant before. They all said it couldn’t be done, but I proved them all wrong. I started the operation by cutting-out an oval portion of skin on Mrs Oris’s abdomen and stitching this onto the pre-prepared lower half of Mr. Oris. The next step in the process was a little trickier; this involved removing the developing foetus, womb, uterus and vagina and all the connecting arteries, blood vessels and tissue etc. and transplanting all this into the body of Mr. Oris without somehow interfering with the correct function of his sexual organs. The whole thing was fairly complicated as I wasn’t giving him these organs permanently as I normally do for a routine sex-change. I had to think about reversing this process after the baby had been born. I am very pleased with the way the whole transplant procedure went, yes I understand it’s highly controversial and has shocked and even disgusted many of my fellow professionals, but I still stand by my actions. I did save a human life after all.”

NEWS UPDATE
Since I first reported on this story, I can confirm that Clint Oris has given birth to baby Girl.
I asked Clint what the experience of giving birth to his daughter, Chantelle was like. “I woke up the other morning with terrible pains in my guts. My whole stomach had got really swollen as the baby inside me had grown really big. I’ve had one hell of a tough time throughout all this I can tell you. I couldn’t get used to having both sets of equipment and I was suffering really bad with piles and toilet problems too. I contacted the clinic and they brought me in straightaway and got me in the delivery room. I can’t remember too much about the birth but what I do know is that it was fucking painful and everything got ripped to pieces. I remember they had a tough time sewing me back up; never again, I can tell you. When the kid came out they gave her to me straight away and I remember looking at her and thinking; Christ, what an ugly little Bastard, did I really go through all this agony for that? I suppose Tracy would be pleased though, so that’s the main thing.

Clint Oris shown after giving birth to his daughter
Clint Oris shown after giving birth to his daughter

Clint Oris's baby daughter Chantelle
Clint Oris's baby daughter Chantelle

Since I’ve had the kid, Doctor Skcollob has operated on me again to take out all the woman’s bits and get me back to normal. It’s too early to say if it’s all good yet, but it don’t seem quite right yet.”

 

 

 

Woman liquidises her new-born baby and feeds it to guests as pâté in bizarre Christening party ritual.
By Arthur Teacake


A woman from a small village near ********** (name of town obscured to protect the innocent) has recently been detained indefinitely under the mental health act for committing a crime described as ‘An unbelievably revolting and sickening murderous ritual performed on an innocent child’ and ‘an act of utterly depraved madness’

38 year old Tracy Crapbat, a deeply religious member of a local church group, placed her new-born baby into a blender, liquidised it and fed it to her unaware Christening guests as pâté. Many of the guests that attended the Christening celebration had to be treated for shock at a nearby hospital after they realised what they’d eaten. One elderly woman who wished to remain anonymous was so disgusted at what she’d consumed that she had her stomach pumped out with bleach.

Tracy Crapbat - Crazed baby killer
Tracy Crapbat - Crazed baby killer

Reverend Hector Mingeball, vicar at St. Mary’s church in the village described the scene as simply horrific. “The Christening day started out very well. I did my usual bit at the church; hymns were sung and prayers said, I splashed some Holy water over the tiny infant’s head, said a few words, then it was back to Tracy’s house with the other thirty or so guests for drinks and nibbles”.

The Reverend Hector Mingeball,
The Reverend Hector Mingeball, vicar of St. Mary’s church

“I was casually chatting to a couple of old lady parishioners, when one of them remarked that nobody had a seen Tracy or her baby for a while, but they’d heard some crying and screams plus some loud mechanical noises coming from her locked kitchen. When Tracy finally made her appearance from the kitchen she was proudly holding a large silver tray filled with crackers that had been smothered with some sort of pinkish brown substance that she described as her ‘special celebration pâté’“

“I must admit that I did consume a few of the crackers myself, and I’m ashamed to say that I did quite enjoy them, although I think the pâté could have done with a touch more pepper. It was only after the whole tray of food had been consumed by her guests that Tracy made the announcement that shocked and appalled everyone. She thanked everyone for coming and said she hoped that we’d all enjoyed her baby pâté. Most people, including myself, looked at her in a very bewildering way. It was at this point that she described how and why she’d made her ‘celebratory buffet”’.

Tracy Crapbat's 'special' crackers
One of Tracy Crapbat's 'special' crackers

“She explained to us that she’d had a vision from God the previous night telling her that his son Jesus wanted a child and that she must liquidise her own new-born infant and serve it to a group of fellow believers as a sacrificial offering. It was at this point that everyone in the room started to scream and panic and almost everyone including myself proceeded to vomit profusely. Shortly after the horror of the situation dawned on us all, a member of the Christening party managed to restrain her and call the police. A little while later the police turned up; placed her in a straightjacket and carted her off to a secure mental institution”.

When I dug deeper into this rather distressing story it soon became apparent that this is not the first time Tracy has been the subject of controversy. I interviewed a member of the church committee and Christening party guest, Verity Shagpuss. “I thought she was weird the first time I met her. She turned up for a flower arranging class at the village hall with a manic expression on her face and started to strip off and dance around the church hall naked, singing hymns at the top of her voice with what I believe was a daffodil sticking out of her bottom. On one other occasion she sacrificed a goat at the church fete to the shock and dismay of all. I still can’t get the taste of that revolting pâté out of my mouth, I hope that mad Bitch is never released from that Looney Bin I can tell you”

Press coverage of Tracy Crapbat’s gruesome crime
Press coverage of Tracy Crapbat’s gruesome crime

I contacted physiologist Doctor Henry Spazz and asked him why people such as Tracy choose to perform such vile acts. "Unfortunately for some people, their religious beliefs completely takeover their minds. These feelings can manifest themselves as strange visions from God that can send them over the edge, especially if they have recently given birth. This was most probably caused by post natal depression plus the fact that she’s fucking mad"
 


 

Woman gives birth to hideously deformed baby after injecting herself with fertility treatment drugs she purchased on the internet. By Arthur Teacake

A 19 year old woman from London has given birth to a hideously deformed baby after injecting herself with unlicensed fertility drugs she bought on the internet.

Chantelle Crabs was left in shock when her baby was born at a weight of just 3lbs and 4 ounces “I thought something was wrong when it just slid out my minge. When I had my first baby it was really painful and it ripped me to shreds, but this one slid out like a bar of soap. I just couldn’t bloody believe what I seen when the nurse handed me my baby. It were a right ugly little bastard, I ain’t seen nothing like it before. The nurses in the hospital was trying not to look shocked and that, but I could tell something weren’t right when they took him away from me to check him over. I could hear them whispering something about deformities and one of them was laughing at it. One young nurse even took a photo of it on her phone and sent it to one of her friends for a laugh” 

Chantelle Vagasille's baby
Chantelle's mutant baby

I asked Chantelle why she thought she’d given birth to such a mutant. “I had me first kid taken away from me by social services when I were fourteen cause they said I weren’t looking after it properly or something. He were a right little brat anyway, he was always crying when I took him out to the pub and that and he was always getting in the way of things I wanted to do, like going out with me mates and stuff. I only had him in the first place so I could get me own flat and more money. When they took him away from me I thought I’d better get myself pregnant again, so I tried shagging as many of the blokes around the estate as I could to try and get up the duff. No matter how much sex I had I just couldn’t get pregnant. I must have had sex with just about every man around here but nothing, not a thing; I’ve never had so much spunk up me to be honest.” 

The Chinese medicine Chantelle ordered from the internet
The Chinese medicine Chantelle ordered from the internet

“I thought something must be wrong with me so I borrowed my friend's laptop off her and started to look on the internet to try and find something that would help me get pregnant. It were really difficult cause I can’t read or write very well and stuff because I didn’t go to school much as it were really fuckin boring and that. I found something called fertility injections on a Chinese website that looked really good, as they had a nice picture on the front and I thought they would work ok and they was really cheap too. I started injecting myself with them as soon as they got posted to me. A few days later I met a lad in my local pub and we both got really pissed and ended up shagging in his car. A couple of weeks after that I did one of them pregnancy test things and found out I were pregnant.” 

Chantelle Vagasille poses with her hideously deformed baby
Chantelle Crabs poses with her hideously deformed baby

I asked Chantelle what she plans to do with her new born infant. “I ain’t sure what I’m gonna do with the little bastard yet to tell you the truth. My friends take the piss out of me all the time for having the ugly little bugger around and he won’t stop screaming so I’m keeping him in a shoe box at the moment. I’ve thought about selling him to a freak show or flushing it down the toilet because I'm finding it really difficult to accept he's mine to be honest"

A nurse announces the arrival of Chatelle's baby to a friend.
A nurse announces the arrival of Chatelle's baby to a friend.

I contacted a leading a chemist, Azzip Babek to analyse the fertility treatment Chantelle purchased from the internet. “When I tested these so-called fertility drugs I was shocked and disgusted at what they contained. Amongst the list of appalling  ingredients were bleach, rat poison, goat urine, plus many other highly dangerous and banned chemicals. I’m surprised injecting this stuff into her body didn’t kill the poor girl, let along make her give birth to a hideously deformed baby. This just illustrates the dangers of buying these drugs online from fake websites. Let this be a warning to all.”

NEWS UPDATE
Since I first spoke to Chantelle she has contacted me to say she no longer has her baby, she also demanded Ł100 and a three litre bottle of strong cider for publishing her story.  A friend of Chantelle I spoke to, who wished to remain anonymous told me that Chantelle sold her baby to her for Ł50 to buy cigarettes and cider. The friend subsequently sold the child to a freak show for Ł1000. I have since learnt that Chantelle is planning her third pregnancy.
 


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