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Important new masturbation tax rules

An important notice to all British readers of The New Site of the Weird.

Due to new regulations proposed at EC Headquarters in Brussels, an embargo on masturbation is being introduced in your area. As from today masturbation will be standardised to a maximum duration of thirty seconds twice a week.

The new regulations will also include stiff new tax bands (Pay as you pull levy). Under strict new guidelines the following will be outlawed:

  • Left handed stimulation

  • Animals (except sheep)

  • Socks

  • Hollowed out  cucumbers

  • The use of rubber gloves

  • Vibrating Love Eggs

  • KY Jelly

big weird cock

It looks like this poor Bastard will be paying tax band 'E'  rates!


Rebates will be available for people with exceptionally ugly partners (Male or Female), although a
Standard charge will be made for anyone living in Wales. The tax bands shown below show the rate of
Tax for which you will be eligible for . All Hermaphrodites pay tax band 'D' rates.
Payment should be made in weekly intervals and taken along with your semen sample to your local tax
Office (airtight containers available on request).
All cheques should be made payable to: H.M. Inspector of Taxes.
N.B. failure to comply with the charges described or late payments of said charges could result in
enforced Penis clamping.

Please fill in your details and send them back to the address shown within the next 14 days

CHANGE OF CIRCUMSTANCES - You must notify your local tax office of any changes to your Penis.
e.g. (Reduction, enlargement, accidents, sex change operations etc) as this could affect the amount of
Tax you pay. Please also note that the use of Penis enlargers is strictly prohibited without a licence*
WARNING: To give false or to withhold information could render you liable to penis clamping.
Penis length in inches (erect) Cost per week
BAND A    0.5** N/A
BAND B 1 1
BAND C 1.5 -5 3
BAND D 5.5-7.9 6
BAND E 8.0 - 12 9
* Penis enlarger licence 179 per year
 
NAME: ..............................................

ADDRESS:............................................................................................

SEMEN SAMPLE ENCLOSED: YES/NO
LENGTH OF PENIS (ERECT) ......................
CIRCUMFERENCE OF TESTICLES.................. 
CIRCUMCISED: YES/NO

I ENCLOSE PAYMENT OF .........................(Made payable to H.M. Inspector of Taxes)
Fill out all the above details, print out and send to:
Mr. Dick Flaccid, H.M. Inspector of taxes, London WC1 RT5
** You must be fucking joking



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