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Hi, Heino here. I've been trawling the web to find some of the weirdest pieces of text I could find. Have a look at these strange little stories.

The Creation Of A Pussy Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to their design.  First was a butcher, smart with wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit.  Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.  Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, he lined it within. Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without. Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell.  Sixth was a preacher whose name was McGee, touched it and blessed it and said it could pee. Last came a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it and called it a cunt.

 

The Penis
I, the Penis hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:-
I do physical labour
I work at great depths
I plunge headfirst into everything I do
I do not get weekends off, nor public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I do not get paid overtime
I work in dark, poorly ventilated conditions
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases

MANAGEMENT RESPONSE:
Dear Penis,
After considering your request and assessing the arguments raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:-
You do not work 8 hrs straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position and often stray into other
areas
You do not take initiative and have to be pressured and stimulated to
start working
You leave the worksite rather messy at the end of your shift
You often fail to observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
the correct protective clothing
You will retire well before reaching 65
You are unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before completing the job
And as if that were not all, you have been observed entering and leaving
the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags

And last but not least your best friend is a cunt!

Sincerely,
The Management
 

---

He laid her on the table. So white clean and bare. His forehead wet with beads of sweat. He rubbed her here and there. He touched her neck and then her breast. And then drooling felt her thigh. The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry. The hole was wide... he looked inside. All was dark and murky. He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms... And then he stuffed the turkey.

---

RECIPE:  HOW TO MAKE LOVE
Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 soft, warm mixing bowl
1 Firm banana

Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
 

 

What is this man doing? Find out here

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Ladies, you've always wanted balls, haven't you?

Pieces of you hanging between your legs. Feeling them as you walk; moving, swinging and pulsating perhaps. The pressure of them pushing against your cunt: full, swollen, pressing."

Labial Saline Infusion is the hottest and newest temporary Female Genital Modification. Straight, Lesbian, Bi, the sexual orientation doesn't matter. It's about causing the female body to change, grow; pushing it to new limits. I love it. It is so out there. It is sexy. It is art. It is unbelievable to see and even more unbelievable to experience. Are there dangers? Is it safe? Does it hurt? How long does it last? How often can you do it? How is it different from a scrotal infusion? Good questions.

A good candidate for Labial Infusion has her labia minor intact. The larger they are the better. Although it is just as easily performed with small inner lips, I like the visual effect of the larger variety when they are full of warm, liquid saline. Larger inner labia also tend to hold the saline for a longer period of time, an added bonus. I also like clean shaven cunts.

I always lay out the necessary supplies before I start. You will need warm, sterile, IV grade, .09% sodium chloride known as saline; a 60cc sterilized syringe; sterile hypodermic needles, usually 21-23 gauge x 1.5 "; antiseptic cleaning wipes; clean latex gloves and a succulent cunt. Never attempt to inflate body parts with any other liquid or air. Saline is 100% compatible with the human body and that is extremely important as the body tissue is going to absorb it. As with any procedure that breaks the skin surface, I am going to create a "sterile" field and be as clean about it as possible. I wash my hands and I am ready. The latex snaps at my wrists as I pull on the first pair of gloves. I like sound effects. Gently wiping the labia and clitoral hood with the antiseptic wipes, I see my victim's clit began to swell with anticipation. She has been warned that she will be taking a minimum of three injections, one in each of her labia minor and one to the clit hood. Body tissue is not connected in this area which necessitates the multiple injections. The saline will not travel or migrate from one lip to the other; it stays in the area of injection until absorbed. This procedure differs from a scrotal infusion where only one injection site is necessary for the infusion.

I use a 60cc syringe so that I do not have to keep refilling as I inject; one full syringe will usually be sufficient for an initial inflation. I could use multiple small syringes, but the big syringe looks so intimidating and creates a greater sense of anticipation for the woman being infused. I like creating anticipation and trepidation. Amounts of saline injected will vary woman to woman, and at different times a woman may take more or less.

I tell my subject to relax, but it's not going to happen. She waits eagerly. The saline in my syringe has been warmed in the microwave to just above body temperature. I make a point of holding the syringe high so that she can see me squirting the saline from the needle; this rids the syringe of air, which I never want to put into the human body. I like to play, not risk potential damage. "Left or right?" I ask. She knows I am playing with her, both sides of the lips are going to be filled no matter what she says. I decide on the right. Gently grasping the first lip, I roll it between my fingers. I am looking for the hollow area in the centre. This is the area where I want to direct the saline. I slide the sterile needle into the labium until the tip is in the hollow area. My subject catches her breath and moans; it is an intense sensation. Gently, I depress the plunger on the syringe, sending a small amount of saline into the labium. It swells. It glistens. It hungrily sucks the saline from the syringe. Each labium can take about 10-20cc's of saline for starters. I repeat the procedure on the other side. When I withdraw the injection needle there is a small drop of blood. The site also leaks saline and blood drops mixed. What a lovely sight, lips swollen so large they look like male balls. I decide to inflate the clitoral hood to look like a small cock. If my victim has balls, she may as well have a cock to go with them. I insert the needle at the edge of the hood directly over the clit so that the saline will fill the hood evenly. Again, I am looking for the centre, the hollow between the two sides of skin. I fill the hood very slowly as I did the labia. If done too quickly it can be quite painful and fill unevenly. I put 15cc's into the hood.

The saline in the labia absorbed into the body rather quickly but they are still swollen. They look like glistening little fruits. They feel cold to the touch and spongy. They will stay like this for about 4-8 hours depending on the individual. My subject's cunt is fully closed off by the giant lips. Pressing inward, hanging downward, they are beautiful. I stand her up and her knees collapse. She looks lovely. I have her look at the swollen lips. I tell her to touch them. She says she has "amazon" genitals. She feels "all pussy." She will stay like this for several hours.

Is the procedure safe? Yes, as long as caution is exercised. A medically clean environment is required, as is sterile equipment. Never reuse needles on more than one person. Will this procedure cause your favourite slut to have larger lips? If done on a repeated basis, it can lead to permanently stretched labia and hood tissue. It takes quite a few times with maximum filling. Will it hurt? Probably. Injections into the nether regions tend to feel like a shot in the cunt. The actual filling and stretching can be painful if done too quickly or overmuch. Can you fuck in this condition? Please do. Touch, taste, suck, fuck, it is going to feel wonderful.

Strangely, we're not sure whether to try this!

That's not my pee-hole, you idiot, it's my clit

Female Urethral Play is a seldom-practiced form of play and modification. For the most part, the urethra is simply overlooked as an erogenous zone. Also, most people, male or female, have simply never bothered to look for it. The female urethral opening is a sneaky little devil. It can be located anywhere from just below the clitoris to inside the vaginal opening. One doesn't usually find it by accident, unless of course, one is looking straight at it when it is spouting urine. "Ewwwww.......... ...are we gonna talk about water sports?"
To locate the female urethral opening, start with a good light. The opening is not only likely to be anywhere between the two spots mentioned; it may be very tiny and hidden within folds of the skin. If you're lucky, you'll find it right away, otherwise, you'll have to resort to extreme measures. Wash your hands and/or put on latex gloves. Females are very susceptible to urinary tract infections and we do want to keep the lovely little things healthy. Now get really close, focus just below the clitoral glans, and start looking. The area is usually smooth there; you are looking for a small, usually flat opening. It is most often dead centre between the inner labia lips. If you don't see it, keep looking closer towards the vagina
More than once I have found the urethra located just inside the vagina on the anterior wall. If all of this seems like too much work, go home, she shouldn't see you anymore anyway. The easiest and fastest way, not to mention foolproof, is to closely observe where the urine flow is coming from. "I knew it... she's gonna work golden showers into this article somehow." Now that we all have located the urethral opening, let's discuss further anatomy and safety. The average female urethra, from opening to bladder is 2-3 inches long. This makes a very short journey for germs and such. It is extremely important that all items used around and in the urethra are extremely clean and sanitized. Play is supposed to be fun, not make you sick. Hands should be clean and/or use clean gloves. You will always want to thoroughly lubricate any item being inserted into the urethra; it doesn't hurt to use an antibacterial, such as bacitracin, as the lubricant. Going without a lubricant can result in extreme pain and possible tearing of the urethral tissue. "Is she going to pee now?" Diameter and depth are the next considerations. When inserting a well-lubricated item, be sure to start small. Most urethras have never been penetrated and are quite tight and small.
Tearing the tissue is not only painful; it is dangerous and can lead to serious complications. Start with a small diameter sound or catheter. I strongly suggest starting female urethral play with sterile pediatric or "self-use" catheters. They are softer than metal sounds and they are designed for use in the urethra. And yes, if you use a catheter that is not clamped, she is going to pee out of it as soon as you hit the bladder. This is actually the best way to measure her urethral depth. When you hit water, you are into the bladder and that is the furthest you want to go with any item other than a soft catheter. To go too far beyond the bladder sphincter is to risk puncturing the bladder. You just left the area of safe and sane and entered into potentially deadly territory, and that's going to be very hard to explain at the Emergency Room. Never go deep with anything but a latex catheter that will gently curve and bend in the bladder. Never attempt to stretch the urethra quickly or use too large a diameter of sound or catheter. "Is she going to piss all over the place after the urethra is stretched" The muscles around the bladder and the sphincter muscle at the opening of the bladder control urine flow in women. Stretching into the urethra will not cause incontinence. Stretching the sphincter muscle at the bladder opening will not either. Exercising a muscle makes it stronger, however there is a possibility that if a woman develops that muscle with stretching and then stops exercising it, she may lose muscle tone. There is not a lot of data on female urethral stretching and certainly not much documented history on it. To avoid the slight potential for a problem in this area, simply do not enter the bladder.
 "Why would any woman want you poking around in her piss hole?" People play for a variety of reasons. Some couples, both the Top (the person doing the act) and the bottom (the person having the something done to them) get off on the penetration, the virginity of the urethra; you know, "boldly go where no one has gone before." Other women enjoy and are aroused by the sensation of the stimulation. For some it's the control factor.
Others engage because it's kinky. I have to admit it does look pretty hot sliding a cold piece of steel or a transparent catheter into that forbidden zone. There are some women that practice voluntary self-catherization for different reasons; control over their own bodies, it feels good, because they can. I know of a Dominatrix that trains her submissives into toilet slavery by using a catheter as a pseudo straw. She does caution that they are NEVER to suck from it, it simply drains her urine into their mouth. Sucking on a catheter can cause extreme pain and collapsing of the bladder, obviously not what we would call play. "Oh my God......people do that?"
Female Urethral Play can be exciting, kinky, fun. If done properly, it can be erotic as well as safe. Remember to go slowly and smaller is better, initially. Take your time and relax. Play and stretching are intended to be a journey, not a destination. Think progress rather than end goal. Get the right equipment or toys and above all keep them clean. If you do this right, you are probably going to have a wonderful time. Do keep in mind that, as with most things, everything is not for everybody. If the female doesn't enjoy these sensations or these acts, it is best not to continue.