Good news for adventurous tourists who want something different. . . You can now book an Air France tour to see the Titanic!

Michael Jackson has cancelled his UK tour after he discovered £2000 for a ten year old actually refers to the car scrappage scheme.

Elton john goes to a tattooist and says "I want a Rolls Royce tattooed on my cock".
"You'd be better off with a Land Rover" replies the tattooist, "it won't get stuck in the shit".

A visitor to a mental institution asked the director who decided which patients should be kept in. The director said "we fill up a bath, then offer the patient a teaspoon, teacup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub". The visitor said, "Oh I see a normal person would chose the bucket because it's the biggest". The director said no, a normal person would pull the fucking plug out. Would you like a bed near the window"?

The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday. Very nice but I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

13 yr old Alfie Patten has joined Fathers 4 Justice
A Spokesman commented 'He may not understand the politics yet but he does have his own Spiderman costume'

Alfie Patten is more mature than he's given credit for.
He's 13 coming on 15.

Just bought the Jade Goody 2009 calendar...fuckin' rip-off, only goes up to April !

A man with a circumcised penis walks into asda and says i bet u cant roll that fucker back.

The E.U. has decided that you are no longer allowed to use the word Pikey! You must now use the phrase 'Caravan Utilising Nomadic Travellers' or C.U.N.T's for short.

Driving instructor says to a welsh farmer "Can you make a u-turn?" farmer replies "listen boyo...I can make its fucking eyes water if I go in dry!"

A pikey girl writes to a problem page, dear Anna, I'm 13 years old and still a virgin......do you think my brothers are gay

Wife reads an article, "Wow! A bull can have sex 3000 times a year... I wish u could do the same". Hubby replies, "Ask the bull if he screws the same cow'

Dear Jonathan Ross I've shagged your daughter! Who's laughing now.. Lots of love, Gary Glitter x

A man went to marks & spencers to buy his wife a maternity bra. The shop assistant asks 'What bust?' the man replies 'THE FUCKIN CONDOM!'

My local council has introduced clear plastic bin bags. They says it's so the pikeys can go window shopping.

It is now illegal to wear your clothes on the wrong part of your body, take Gary Glitter for example he was jailed for putting a Thai on his cock.

Breaking news- police have re-arrested Gary glitter they have found class A drugs in his kitchen, class B drugs in his living room and class 5c in his bedroom.

Man marries deaf girl. He says we must work out a code: if i want sex i will stroke your breast - you reply by pulling my cock ONCE for YES or 62 times for NO.

A bloke walks up to a bird in a night club, and says, hi, my names Bond ! She says, "don't tell me, its JAMES. He said, "no its, UNI, I'm here to fill yer crack.

A man is sitting at home looking at his marriage certificate. His wife asks what are you looking for? He replies the fucking expiry date

Wife says to her husband: "Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time". Husband says: "Your fanny is tighter than your sister's".

I'm going to rob a bank tomorrow. I plan on wearing a clown wig, make-up and only wear a thong and nipple tassels. I'll carry a goat and fluorescent paint and when I'm in the bank I'll shag the goat and throw paint over the walls. After getting the cash I will shit on the floor and piss everywhere. I will then escape in a van shaped like a big pink cock. Lets see Crimewatch stage that reconstruction.

Man sees a job advertised as a fanny waxers assistant. Job includes removing ladies knickers, prepare fanny for waxing and then rub in oil after waxing. Man asks about job at the jobcentre and is told to go to Plymouth. He asks if that's where the job is, jobcentre says no that's the back of the queue.

An old lady visits the dentist, sits in the chair, lowers her knickers, and lifts her legs into the air. "I'm not a gynaecologist" says the dentist. She replies "I know I want you to take my husbands teeth out"

A Delivery man breaks down on the M4 so he flags down Paddy and says to him "I've got 6 monkeys in the back and I'll give you £100 if you'll take them to Bristol Zoo for me" to which Paddy agrees. Two hours later he sees Paddy driving the opposite way with the monkeys still in the back! He flags him down and shouts across "I thought I told you to take them to the zoo?" Paddy replies "I did but I had £30 left so I'm taking them to the pictures now"

A Mum was cleaning her 12 yr old sons bedroom and finds a load of bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband what to do and he says whatever you do don't spank him.

Zeus the Greek god is flying over ancient Greece when he spotted a gorgeous woman naked washing herself. He made love to her then stroked her face and told her "In 9 months you will have a child and you will call him Hercules". She dresses herself, smiles and elegantly replies " In 9 days you will have a rash and you will call it Herpes now f*ck off"

Little boy comes into the kitchen and says to his mum "Granny's got a prawn!" The mother says "What on earth do you mean?" The boy takes his mother and shows her Granny asleep stark naked. He points to her protruding clitoris and says "Granny's got a prawn" His mother whispers "That's her clitoris son" to which the boy replies "Well it tastes like a prawn!"

Just popped home and caught the Plumber with his dick in the dog! Can't believe the police wont do anything! They said the bastard was Corgi registered.

A Blonde goes into PC World and asks for curtains for her PC, the assistant replies you don't need curtains. The Blonde replies "Em hellooo its got fucking windows!"

Scientists have discovered intelligent DNA in women, unfortunately 95% spat it out

A wife buys some crotchless undies, puts her leg up on the couch and says to hubby "Want some of this?" Hubby replies "F*ck off have you seen what its done to your knickers!!

Bloke asks his wife "I want kinky sex, can I cum in your ear?" She replies "No I might go deaf" and he says " I have been cumming in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still fucking talking!"

Pavarotti bumps into Princess Di in heaven and he says "I wish I had a halo as big as yours" and she replies "Fuck off fatso its a steering wheel!"

Nude woman stands in front of the mirror and says to hubby " I look fat and ugly, pay me a compliment" Hubby says " Your eyesight's fucking spot on"

A woman slips naked in her bathroom, does the splits and ends up suctioned to the floor by her fanny. Her hubby tries but can't budge her so he calls his mate who says "I'll go get a hammer, we can break the tiles and lift her". The hubby says "OK I'll lick her ear and play with her tits while you are gone". "Why?" asks his mate. The hubby replies "If I can get her wet maybe we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are f**king cheaper!"

A woman is crawling across the floor with cum dribbling out her ass and both edges of her mouth, what does that tell you?...........The floor's level

My Uncle was a terrible ventriloquist. When I was little he used to put his hand up my arse and tell me to keep quiet.

Paul McCartney was on Sunday nights x factor playing a piano.
 Nice to see him fingering something with legs for a change!

A married couple were staying overnight in a hotel room. Unfortunately the room only had twin beds.
As they were settling down in their single beds the husband says,"My little honey bunch, I'm lonely wonely!"
Taking the hint she climbs out of bed and makes her way to his bed.On the way she trips over the suitcase and falls flat on her face. Concerned the husband says,"Oh, did my little honey bunny fall on her nosey wosey?" She gets up and climbs into his bed and they have passionate sex. Afterwards she makes her way back to her bed. On the way she trips  again over the suitcase and lands flat on her face. Husband turns over in bed and says, "Clumsy cunt"
 

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car  for women. Mixing the 'Clio' and the 'Taurus' they have designed the  'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, the average male car thief won't be 
able to find it let alone turn it on, even if someone tells him where  it is and how to do it. Rumour has it though that it leaks  transmission fluid once a month and can be a real cunt to start in the morning

Chaos reigns at the winter Olympics, after the death in the luge. The
Irish bob sleigh team are now refusing to compete until the course is gritted first!!

What's small, fashionable and starting to get hungry?
 Alexander McQueen's cat.

40yo White Male. Well hung, Gay but still in closet
Not a singles ad. Just the coroner's report on Alexander McQueen.

Wife treats hubby by taking him to a lap dance club for his birthday. Doorman says, ok Jim how's tricks? Wife asks, how does he know u? Jim  says, er, I play footy with him. Inside, the barman says, usual Jim?  Jim says, before you say anything, he's on the darts team in me local. Next
a lap dancer says Hi Jim, d'ya want the special again? Wife storms out dragging Jim with her and jumps in a taxi. Driver says fuck me Jim you've pulled a minger this time.

I was telling my mates in the pub the old joke about "what do you do when an epileptic has a fit in the bath? Throw in your washing. " they  were all laughing out loud when a bloke tapped me on the shoulder and  said "that's not funny, my brother was epileptic and died in the bath.""sorry mate" i said "did he have a fit""no" he said "he choked on a sock"

A man has been found in the River Thames this morning, wearing an England shirt, pink silky knickers, fishnet stockings suspenders and a vibrator up his arse. Police have removed the shirt to save the family any embarrassment.

Went to the doctors the other day and found out my new doctor is a  young female doctor, drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed but she  said don't worry I'm a professional, I've seen it all before, just  tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can.......I said I think my cock tastes funny.


These new 3D TVs are so realistic. I fell asleep while watching a Liverpool game & when I woke up, my wallet was gone.

His & Hers diary page one, Saturday.

HERS:
He was quiet, subdued, just not himself. Something was wrong, He hasn't kissed me all night. Not even looked in my direction. I think  it's another woman. I went to bed and cried. He followed me up later.  I cuddled up to him and stroked his hair. He lay still. Eventually we made love and fell asleep in each others arms.

HIS:
England drew. Fucking gutted. Got a shag though.



2 old ladies outside the nursing home having a smoke. it starts to  rain. One of them pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, and puts it  over her cigarette. What's that asks her friend. A condom it keeps my  cigarette dry. you can buy them from a chemist. Next day her friend 
hobbles into the chemist and asks for a box of condoms. The embarrassed chemist asks which brand? It doesn't matter son as long as it fits a camel.

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Umm. they are making cakes". The next day they are at the zoo  and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks the  mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same  response, making cakes. The next day the girl says to her mother  "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night eh?" Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?"
Because I licked the Icing off the sofa