Here's a
selection of the letters this deranged little prick has received so
far.
Dear Mad little Bastard,
I would love to be able to meet someone and have a
relationship, except for one thing. This may seem very silly, but it
is not to me. We live in a world where size seems to matter in
everything. The thing is although I am very broad and tall, my manhood
is not. I only measure 2 and a half inches when erect. This is very
small for a man. The rest of me seemed to grow but that part of me did
not. As a result I have always shied away from women, knowing that if
the crunch came it would ruin a relationship. I hear friends talking
about this all the time, about partner size and how they could never
like a small man.
Last year the situation got to such a point that I attempted suicide.
I was found before the junior aspirin pills could take effect, but I put it down to
an accidental overdose. I do not want to
discuss this with a person face to face as I am a very private person
and just know I couldn’t openly discuss. I don't know what you can say but I would appreciate anything that
could help me.
Thanks and regards,
Nigel Ponsonby Smallpiece
Dear Mad Nigel, You
sound like one of life's true losers.. 2 and a half inches when erect,
I'm only eight years old and I've got six! Have you tried hanging half a brick
from a piece of string tied around your knob? That's what my mate Gary
did, mind you it did turn black. My advice to you is, stop fucking
winging and get on with your life, get stuck in there and start poking
some tasty bits of minge. PS change your name for fucks sake
Dear Mad little Bastard,
My husband is not at all romantic. he never kisses
me or shows any love. Sex is just a 2 minute affair which is less than
twice a year. Most of the time he works away and is far from home. as
far as I know he is not having an affair. I feel so lonely. when I
talk about it with him, he either changes the topic or makes a joke
and leaves the room. I am quite attractive to look at. I have other
men friends who would go for an affair with me if I show inclination
but I don't want to deceive my husband. I believe in fidelity in
marriage. I am very frustrated and lonely.
please tell me what to do.
Mrs. Fanny Batter
Whinge whinge whinge, that's all you
fucking Woman seem to do. You should be grateful your Husband has the
2 minutes to pork you, what with all those other bits of skirt he's
shagging. Now get back in the kitchen and get on with your Woman's
work you moaning bitch.
Dear Mad little Bastard,
I am sixteen and just started having sex. I am doing
it in a loving relationship and we do use protection but after the
last time, I have a pain that really hurts when I am
sitting down and lying down relaxed. Can you tell what it is and if
there is anything seriously wrong and what should I do if it persists
please?
Thank you very much love Jade
Yes there is something
wrong, the dirty little Bastard was trying to stick it up your arse!
Dear Mad little Bastard,
I'm 15 years old and I had un protected sex
while standing against a wall. he
asked me if I was on the pill and I said no but we carried on any way
as he said he'd take it out before he came. one of my friends told me
that there is still a high chance of me being pregnant, what do I do?
love Tracy
Dear Tracy. I've read your letter
with interest and after consulting my mates in the School yard we all
reckon that you can't get pregnant if you're standing up, so you
should be just fine. If you do happen to be pregnant, its easy to find
help on the web to get rid of the little bastard, just try typing 'bottle + gin + coat hanger' into
google.
Dear Mad little Bastard,
Can you please help me I have been married for 3
years and our sex life has got really boring and repetitive. I would
like to give my husband a blow job but I don't know the first thing
about them, Do I blow? Do I suck? What do I do with the sperm? Will he
cum in my mouth? Please help us save our sex life.
I would love to hear from you as advice from a
little twat such as yourself is my last
hope.
from confused Norwich
Do I look like some kind of fucking queer or
something? I haven't got a clue how to give a man a blow job and no
way do I want to find out, I reckon you should ask your GP or your
local Citizens advice bureau for help in this matter.
Dear Mad little Bastard,
I wasn't sure whether you answered this sort of problem but I am so
desperate I thought I may as well try it! my name is Harry Cock, 17
Newbury Road, Bristol, (I don't
want this on your site please, or my name) I was on the toilet, I have
constipation normally, but I had diarrhoea this time, and I looked down
to see if I was bleeding again, and I wasn't, but my shit was full of
little white squiggly worms! what are they? will they damage my
insides?
how do I get rid of them?
thanks
Harry Cock
Oh dear oh dear Harry, this sounds
fucking disgusting. What the fuck have you been up to, you dirty
Bastard? I'm no expert but I reckon those little worms cannot be doing
you any good at all. Get yourself to a hospital ASAP