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Mad Little Bastard - He tells like it is.

Do you have a worrying problem in your life that you just can't seem to overcome?
We all need help and reassurance at some point in or lives.
Our new agony Uncle can help. This retarded hyperactive little eight year old Fuckwit hands out his own style of no-nonsense hard hitting advice.

e-mail the self-opinionated little prick

Here's a selection of the letters this deranged little prick has received so far.

Dear Mad little Bastard,

I would love to be able to meet someone and have a relationship, except for one thing. This may seem very silly, but it is not to me. We live in a world where size seems to matter in everything. The thing is although I am very broad and tall, my manhood is not. I only measure 2 and a half inches when erect. This is very small for a man. The rest of me seemed to grow but that part of me did not. As a result I have always shied away from women, knowing that if the crunch came it would ruin a relationship. I hear friends talking about this all the time, about partner size and how they could never like a small man.
Last year the situation got to such a point that I attempted suicide. I was found before the junior aspirin pills could take effect, but I put it down to an accidental overdose. I do not want to discuss this with a person face to face as I am a very private person and just know I couldn’t openly discuss. I don't know what you can say but I would appreciate anything that could help me.

Thanks and regards,

Nigel Ponsonby Smallpiece

Dear Mad Nigel, You sound like one of life's true losers.. 2 and a half inches when erect, I'm only eight years old and I've got six! Have you tried hanging half a brick from a piece of string tied around your knob? That's what my mate Gary did, mind you it did turn black. My advice to you is, stop fucking winging and get on with your life, get stuck in there and start poking some tasty bits of minge. PS change your name for fucks sake

Dear Mad little Bastard,

My husband is not at all romantic. he never kisses me or shows any love. Sex is just a 2 minute affair which is less than twice a year. Most of the time he works away and is far from home. as far as I know he is not having an affair. I feel so lonely. when I talk about it with him, he either changes the topic or makes a joke and leaves the room. I am quite attractive to look at. I have other men friends who would go for an affair with me if I show inclination but I don't want to deceive my husband. I believe in fidelity in marriage. I am very frustrated and lonely.

please tell me what to do.

Mrs. Fanny Batter

Whinge whinge whinge, that's all you fucking Woman seem to do. You should be grateful your Husband has the 2 minutes to pork you, what with all those other bits of skirt he's shagging. Now get back in the kitchen and get on with your Woman's work you moaning bitch.

Dear Mad little Bastard,

I am sixteen and just started having sex. I am doing it in a loving relationship and we do use protection but after the last time, I have a pain that really hurts when I am sitting down and lying down relaxed. Can you tell what it is and if there is anything seriously wrong and what should I do if it persists please?

Thank you very much love Jade

Yes there is something wrong, the dirty little Bastard was trying to stick it up your arse!

Dear Mad little Bastard,

I'm 15 years old and I had un protected sex while standing against a wall. he asked me if I was on the pill and I said no but we carried on any way as he said he'd take it out before he came. one of my friends told me that there is still a high chance of me being pregnant, what do I do?

love Tracy

Dear Tracy. I've read your letter with interest and after consulting my mates in the School yard we all reckon that you can't get pregnant if you're standing up, so you should be just fine. If you do happen to be pregnant, its easy to find help on the web to get rid of the little bastard, just try typing 'bottle + gin + coat hanger'  into google.

Dear Mad little Bastard,

Can you please help me I have been married for 3 years and our sex life has got really boring and repetitive. I would like to give my husband a blow job but I don't know the first thing about them, Do I blow? Do I suck? What do I do with the sperm? Will he cum in my mouth? Please help us save our sex life.
I would love to hear from you as advice from a little twat such as yourself is my last hope.

from confused Norwich

Do I look like some kind of fucking queer or something? I haven't got a clue how to give a man a blow job and  no way do I want to find out, I reckon you should ask your GP or your local Citizens advice bureau for help in this matter.

Dear Mad little Bastard,

I wasn't sure whether you answered this sort of problem but I am so desperate I thought I may as well try it! my name is Harry Cock, 17 Newbury Road, Bristol,  (I don't want this on your site please, or my name) I was on the toilet, I have constipation normally, but I had diarrhoea this time, and I looked down to see if I was bleeding again, and I wasn't, but my shit was full of little white squiggly worms! what are they? will they damage my insides?

how do I get rid of them?


Harry Cock

Oh dear oh dear Harry, this sounds fucking disgusting. What the fuck have you been up to, you dirty Bastard? I'm no expert but I reckon those little worms cannot be doing you any good at all. Get yourself to a hospital ASAP


send your own personal problem to Mad Little Bastard here


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