GCSE Examination Papers.
Time allowed 3 hrs.
Attempt all questions. If you do not know the answer to a particular
question attempt to look at someone else's paper by knocking your biro
onto the floor and having a shufty while you lean over to retrieve it.
You are allowed one visit to the toilet to look at the answers you
wrote on the wall yesterday. After ten minutes, request more paper to
frighten the other candidates into thinking that you must have written
loads. Attempt to introduce the one or two facts you are reasonably
sure of into the answers to every question. At 4.30 exactly, everybody
cough to make the invigilator jump. With three minutes to go, suddenly
realise there are 4 more questions on the back of the page that you
haven't spotted. You are going to fail.
Section A (50%)
1. Explain why the best women's football team in the world wouldn't
stand a chance against you and ten of your mates.
Include in your answer:
a) Why they are unable to kick a ball straight
b) What you wouldn't mind doing with them in the bath after the match,
2. Pamela Anderson's tits are plastic but look good in photographs.
Compare and contrast the relative merits of plastic and real tits for
3. It is a long established fact that fat lasses are more grateful for
it. Outline some of the reasons why this is so, and explain why all
feminists are fat, ugly lesbians.
4. Write a critique of any ONE of the following films you have watched
at your mates house while his parents were away for the weekend. a)
Sex Boat b) Three Into One Will Go c) King Dong d) Speared by Zulu
Lovers e) Debbie does Donkeys
5.Women drivers, eh? Discuss.
Section B (50%)
1. Describe an experiment to impress a girl by lighting a fart. What
apparatus would you require? What risks would you run in lighting a
fart and what are the benefits? Write a balanced chemical equation to
describe the reaction that takes place when an eggy fart is lit in a
pub with a match.
2. Name something a woman has invented.
3. On average, women live 7 years longer than men yet get their
pension 5 years earlier. Explain why this isn't fair, making reference
to your lazy old granny who lived to be 100 and your poor granddad who
worked 52 years down the pit and died the day before he retired.
4. Argue heatedly over the respective merits of the Lamborghini
Diablo and the Ferrari Testarossa without ever having seen, let alone
MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN THE NORTH:
NAME _________________________ NICK-NAME ____________________ GANG NAME
1. Deco has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Vinno for 300 quid and 90 grams to Tomo for 90 quid a gram, what is the > street value of the rest of his hold?
2. Anto pimps 3 brassers. If the price is 40 quid a royde, how many roydes per day must each brasser perform to support Vinno's 500 quid a day crack habit?
3. Whacker wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid, to make a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?
4. Christy got 6 years for murder. He also got £350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends £33,100 per month, how much money will > be left when he gets out? Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Christy get for killing the slapper that spent his money?
5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square meters and the average letter is 1 square meter, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?
6. Liamo steals Eamo's skateboard. As Liamo skates away at a speed of 35mph,Eamo loads his brother's armalite. If it takes Eamo 20 seconds to > load the gun, how far will Liamo have travelled when he gets whacked?
MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN THE SOUTH:
NAME ___ (if longer, please continue on separate sheet)
SCHOOL____________________ DADDY'S COMPANY___________
1. Julian smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing three people. The old man asks his local DCI to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement > for the three dead people. What kind of car is Julian driving now?
2. Chloe's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand > products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course > of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Chloe doesn't > even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?
3. Roly fancies the arse off a certain number of tarts, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 Rohypnol, > how is he ever going to shag the other two-thirds?
4. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit into a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce et Gabbana. How much does > liposuction cost?
5. Alexander is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he > fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When does his Sunday Independent column start?